Men’s underpants are a dismal science indeed

Bless my sweet Roscommon soul this May morning but I thought I had heard it all. I hadn’t. Who would believe that serious people look to men’s underwear as an indicator for the health of an economy? I mean, how we’ve scoffed at those who took to crystal balls (now, now!) or poked around the entrails of dead animals to determine the future. Such silly people. So pleased we were not like that. Imagine! Now, we look to men’s underwear instead.

What sort of lunacy would drive anyone to see the future through men’s underwear? Who would want to? Well, former US Federal Reserve chairman – from 1987 to 2006 – Alan Greenspan for one. Oh dear. Did you have to splutter your coffee all over the place?

When sales dip, it indicates that men are feeling the pinch, so to speak, and cutting back on spending

The Greenspan thinking was that of all garments in a house, the most private is the male underpants, because nobody sees it except himself and, maybe, his partner. It is also the case, generally, that the last thing a man (or his partner) buys is underpants. Some of us among the lesser-rated gender have been known to wear underpants well past their done-by date, even when well-holed below the water line and in tatters. But we won’t talk about that.

Sales of men’s underpants are, generally, as consistently flat as the cardiograph of a corpse. But when those sales dip, it indicates that men are feeling the pinch, so to speak, and cutting back on spending. Sure, who’d notice? But it does mean that here comes (economic) trouble.

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This unlikely observation is no casual indulgence on the part of Greenspan. It has been raised to the status of an (MUI) Men’s Underwear Index, as an indicator of the health of an economy.

During a severe downturn, demand for these essentials drops, so men’s discretionary buying habits where underwear is concerned (or by partners) is believed to be as good sign as any of the health of an economy.

Who would have thought this fundamental, shy garment could have such significant meaning for us all?

And though I now look at my briefs somewhat differently, it will take me a little longer to see them as an barometer of Irish economic health.

Briefs, underwear, from Latin brevis, for “short, little”.

inaword@irishtimes.com