Tipping Point: Things you should hear in '16 but probably won’t

1"You know, I've been very busy climbing to the top of this greasy IAAF pole. But now I'm here, I'm going to shed this Tory politico disguise, cut down the pole and see to it we start again, afresh and anew, actually try to live up to the principles we proclaim. And while I'm at it, I'll try not to smirk so superciliously and behave like I'm swimming in a vast vat of my own smugness. Do I think that sounds good? Yes, I think it does." – Sebastian Coe.

2 'One hundred years later, the Easter Rising's repressed soul is finally free here at Croke Park: both sides unbuttoning those heathen squad numbers from their Volunteer-replica kits, content instead to press wild Irish heather between the pages of 'An Bhean Chaointe,' tossing Mothers to a keening Hill, proudly urging Gaels around the globe to keep clutching their 'phistols' for the ancient land of Eire. Holy Moses, the spirit of Pearse and 1916 prevails: God Save Man Love!" – RTÉ League Final Commentary.

3 "What the hell do you people want? I give you back-to-back Six Nations and you build me up into some sort of Mick Magician. Then we get beat in the World Cup by a better team and suddenly I'm Kiwi again. It's either best in the world or world's worst. Get a grip, you stupid bastards. I can only work with the players I've got – when I've got 'em. I get these players for a week or two and I'm supposed to have them playing like All Blacks? I've had enough. I'm going home." – Joe Schmidt.

4 "I'm honoured obviously to have been named as the holding midfielder in the Euro 2016 team of the tournament. And to my critics back home I'd like to say you can all kiss my tattooed arse. It'll be too late when I'm retired to start appreciating me. And it won't matter anyway since I'll be retired to my villa in Ibiza, never to work again, working on the tan and trying to decide if another Lamborghini might be too flash." – Glenn Whelan.

5 "Jeez. That was a crap game. Seriously, girls, you're going to be crucified. And you know what – it's great, because that's what comes from being taken seriously. Getting flak is a damn sight better than getting flooded in platitudes. Where's the value in praise if everyone's too scared to be negative? A player is a player, irrespective of gender, and cheerleading is no good to anyone." – PRO for whatever organisation you like.

6"It's 20 years since I started training for 'the lads' in Coolmore and they're lucky to have me. There, I said it: no more of that Daniel O'Donnell stuff about luck and only being a cog in a big wheel: nobody is just lucky for two decades. It's just I have to go on with that stuff because it's handy old shtick for surviving in this gee-gee snake-pit. The same as every year I've got to say our best horse is the best ever 'cos it looks good on the stallion brochures. But no more of that: it's time to shout it from the rooftops, like that fella fighting in the cage, what's his name, that McGregor fella. I'm like the shampoo – worth it." – Aidan O'Brien.

7"Get the f—k off my turf, Aidan O'Brien. The trash-talk is mine. And no way is it getting old. Or maybe it is. Oh, I don't know what to believe anymore. It's so hard to judge, stuck here in Vegas, home of the plastic and phoney. It's so difficult to connect, really connect with anyone anymore 'cos the Yanks are all mad. And all the Irish here look like they're on remand. I'm so confused. I think people really did think it was cute at the start, this Crumlin smart-arse with the happy little head on him, nothing to lose and giving it loads. But once you start, you've got to keep ponying up and maybe it's got annoying and tipped over into boorishness. It's like I've become the Baron of Braggadocio, and it's only a matter of time before some smart-arse loser with no money says it's all a front because I might be afraid I've a tiny willy.' – Conor McGregor.

8 "I'm going to shut up. It's all bullshit, this Olympics. I don't know what to believe here in Rio. You don't know either, and we all end believing none of it, not really.

"There's no black and white or good and evil: I realise that now. So I'm going to stop embarrassing myself. You should all switch off too, since maybe things will only change if the money-hose starts spluttering."– Steve Cram.

9"Playing hurling and football is great craic. I'm young, fit and healthy and I get to choose whether or not to train and to play without the pressure of it being my job because Uncle Jerry's on the county board and he pulled me into the bank and I get to sit behind a counter doing nothing but shuffling an odd cheque and yakking with some old eejit going on about the 1973 All-Ireland final.

"Okay, I can't go out and get out of it that much, but it's like all I have to do is go into a pub for a sparkling water and all these girls who didn't look twice at me before are feeling my muscles and saying they're free for the All Stars. Honestly, my life couldn't be better. BRILLIANT." – GAA intercounty player.

10"It's time to give the world a break from the unique complexity of my psyche." – Roy Keane, AP McCoy, Ronan O'Gara, Jonny Wilkinson, Henry Shefflin, Steven Gerrard, Joe . . .