Parents today are being pulled in every direction, juggling work, family life and endless advice on social media. According to Dr Siggie Cohen, parenting expert and author of You Are The Parent, many families are struggling not because they care too little, but because they may be trying too hard to do everything for their children.
Speaking on the latest episode of the Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan, Cohen, who has worked with children and families for more than three decades, argues that modern parenting has swung from one extreme to another.
“Do as I say because I said so” parenting, once common in previous generations, has largely been replaced by an emphasis on listening to children’s emotions and validating their feelings.
While Cohen believes that shift has brought important benefits, she says many parents have become stuck in a form of permissiveness that can leave both children and adults struggling.
“Emotions become centre stage,” she says. “We can’t really get through the simplest tasks of daily life.”
One of the biggest misconceptions, she argues, is the idea that gentle parenting means avoiding conflict or upsetting children.
“Gentleness does not mean permissiveness,” she says. “Anything goes. Emotions drive not just the child’s behaviour, but literally the entire family.”
Instead, Cohen advocates what she describes as calm, confident leadership. Children need their feelings acknowledged, but they also need boundaries, structure and guidance.
“Kids need boundaries,” she says. “Boundaries are a safety zone.”
The conversation also tackles the rise of what Cohen calls “overparenting”.
By rushing to solve every problem, parents may be unintentionally depriving children of opportunities to develop resilience and coping skills.
“When your child comes to you with a problem, they can be part of the solution, not just the problem,” she says. “This is literally their training ground for skill-building.”
That advice is particularly relevant as concerns grow about childhood anxiety. Cohen believes parents should resist the urge to shield children from every challenge and instead help them develop confidence in their own ability to manage difficulties.
“Anxiety is not to be taken away,” she says. “Help your children cope and manage the anxiety.”
Throughout the discussion, Cohen returns repeatedly to one idea: trust.
“The one thing children need from their parents,” she says, “is trust.”
It’s also the central message of her new book, You Are the Parent. In an era when many mothers and fathers feel overwhelmed by advice and expectations, Cohen’s message is simple: parents do not need to be perfect, but they do need the confidence to lead.
As she puts it: “You are the parent. Take it, own it, feel good about it.”
