A new page for Gazza's atlas

TV View Mary Hannigan: Tactically naïve. Suspect temperaments. Undisciplined defence. Dodgy goalkeeper. Hmm, Europeans, eh? "I wonder lads, were we watching an African revolution today," Bill O'Herlihy asked his RTÉ panel after Senegal had put the "ooh" in the "laa, laa" in the opening game of the 2002 World Cup.

And, as Billo put it, "when you realise Cameroon beat this lot, it'd frighten the life out of you". The nation nodded. As one. And then reached for its tummy-settling tablets. And prayed it'd sleep in till about 9.30 this morning.

Let's mull over the fact once more: Senegal are Africa's second best team. Behind Cameroon. Who we play today. Without Roy Ke... - okay, okay, don't mention the war.

A glorious World Cup debut, then, for the Africans, but not sure if you can say the same thing for ITV's new pundit - star signing Gazza "Paul" Gascoigne.

"What did you make of it," Des Lynam asked him at half-time. "Very exciting and unbelievable," he said, "Sennie Gawl, which, beforehand, I've never heard of them, looked very impressive." "You'd never heard of Senegal," asked Des. "No," said Gazza.

"They've been part of Africa for some time," Des informed him. "Too much information," said Gaz's face. Tel Venables giggled.

Des's eyebrows asked the question: "Whose idea was it to hire this man as a pundit?"

"Oh Lordy, it'll be a lengthy month," the channel's viewers wept to themselves.

In fairness, though, Gaz said he hoped the "Repubba Ireland" would do well, so that was nice. And he also gained some sympathy after Des appeared to question whether his IQ rating had ever left Ground Zero. "Teddy (Sheringham) has a great brain," said Des. "Definitely," said Gaz. "Like yourself," said Des, "a football brain I mean." Ah lads, enough already, and it's only Day One.

Back on RTÉ the détente between Liamo Brady and Eamo Dunphy survived. Three minutes into the opening programme. Liamo said this would be the most open World Cup ever. "I don't agree with Liam," said Dunphy, a statement that was as revelationary as, well, a declaration that "morale in the Fine Gael camp is low".

Eamo thought only France, Italy or Argentina could win the World Cup. "So, you're writing Brazil off from the very start," asked Liamo. "Certainly," said Eamo. "Write that down, Billo," said Liamo. We're up and running, lads.

Back to ITV. A low-key start to their tournament. Only Des, Tel, Gaz, Gabby Yorath, Jim Rosenthal, John Barnes, Andy Townsend, Ally McCoist, Gabriel Clarke, Clive Tyldsley and Ron Atkinson were on duty. At this rate Tony Blair will see his unemployment figures halved in the course of the tournament.

There was an ugly moment during Sepp Blatter's address to the folk in the stadium in Seoul (and the world) when he rattled on about fair play, peace and harmony. Why he had to have such a direct dig at the Irish camp God only knows. Uncalled for, Sepp, we've suffered enough. Kick us while we're down, why don't you?

The opening ceremony was, how does one put it, very much like an opening ceremony. Colour, children, love, footballs symbolising the roundy globe we live on, and snuggliness.

"If the next plan works according to plan it will be spectacular, in that large cloths will emerge from the crowd," as Jimmy Magee put it. They do, too. Lovely. Now, where's the kettle?

Time for the football. France. Arrived at this tournament with a very ordinary squad, apart from Desailly, Dugarry, Lizarazu, Thuram, Petit, Vieira, Zidane, Wiltord, Henry, Trezeguet, Candela and Christanval. Senegal. Arrived at this tournament with a manager who dresses like a contestant in the Eurovision Song Contest and with a squad packed with names that no household is familiar with. Until they beat the world champions.

Now? My Great-great grandmother is talking about ace man El Hadji Diouf like he was her only son. And, she says, she always knew goalscorer Pape Bouba Diop had it in him. Gas auld game.

"Big Ron is here to wrestle with the English language," Tyldsley told us on ITV. And in a battle of that nature there can only be one winner.

Take a bow, Big "lollipop" Ron. (He tried to explain to us what he meant by a "lollipop" but most of us were left none the wiser, other than understanding it involves waving your foot over a stationary ball for no apparent reason).

Back on RTÉ Billo was getting excited about the African revolution, but Dunph poured cold water on his exhilaration. "Every mug has a good 90 minutes in him, we mustn't lose sight of that," he said.

Bill was deflated. But not as much as Thierry Henry. What's the French for "va, va, voom", he asks in that Renault ad. "Pape Bouba Diop," according to the Great-great granny. Allez, allez. But not just yet.