‘My siblings did not inform me of my mother’s death’

Question

I am a sister/daughter/mother in my 50s who disclosed familial sexual abuse following the death of my brother over a decade ago. I have been estranged since then from my remaining family – parents and siblings.

My father died some years later and I made a speech at his funeral calling out the secrecy and shame of the abuse I endured as a child. My mother or siblings never acknowledged the abuse I suffered.

To the outside world, I appeared successful: I studied a professional course, married and had a family, but have struggled since my 20s with serious depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

I disclosed the abuse to the guards who were very supportive and the case was sent to the DPP. I naively believed that my family of origin would support me. However, I learned the hard way this was not to be the case. I desperately wanted to maintain a relationship with my mother but, despite numerous attempts at contact, this was not to be. My remaining siblings had regular contact with my mother, but not with me.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I ploughed away continuing to work and focusing on taking care of my own children. I had regularly checked rip.ie for updates in case my siblings did not contact me directly. However I was devastated to discover recently that my mother died in the early months of last year. To say I feel betrayed again is an understatement – not only the loss of my mother but also the incomprehensible actions of my siblings, who made the deliberate and intentional choice of not informing me of my mother’s death.

How do I explain this to my children (now young adults) who I have tried to shield from this awful mess?

Answer

Your grief and hurt are palpable and intense, and the longevity of the breach in your family is painful in the extreme. You may already be fully aware of the service the National Counselling Service runs for victims of child sex abuse, but, if not, it is a highly professional service with fully qualified clinicians who have expertise and knowledge of how to support people who have been through abuse. This service will be appropriate for yourself, but you might also wish to consider what might be appropriate for your children in learning about the family story.

Family secrets have a way of impacting on lives, even when they are not made explicit, and they can lead to confusion and trauma when someone is exhibiting symptoms that cannot be explained. A family therapist can assist both in the planning and in the delivery of this story to your adult children and they may also scaffold the whole family as they delve into a distressing past. That you have been protecting your own children for so long is a burden that you have carried alone and this now needs to be lifted so that you can heal. See familytherapyireland.com for lists of accredited therapists in Ireland.

[ The burden is all the greater if guilt is part of the abuseOpens in new window ]

It is a double whammy of rejection and injustice when a person is abused by a family member and then excluded from the family as the cause of the problem. You say that your case was referred to the DPP, and this indicates the seriousness with which your case was taken by the Garda, but it does not soften that fact that your family does not believe you and this ongoing abandonment is a source of endless hurt.

No doubt, your siblings have a different version of the story, but the total cut-off does not allow for any growth in understanding. For both sides the effort put into maintaining the rift is colossal. They too are not casual or indifferent to this situation (as evidenced by their continual determination to exclude you) and if ever a moment of engagement becomes available, some real emotion might be expressed and processed. With the support of family therapy and of your children, you may be able to keep a door open to your siblings and this position of openness to dialogue may be a factor in your healing.

[ ‘I don’t know what to do. I’ve never told anybody what happened and know nobody would believe me’Opens in new window ]

A mother’s rejection is probably one of the most damaging things a human being can experience and to have that rejection continue beyond her death is a very heavy burden to bear. But not speaking about this played a vital part in your continued abandonment so be determined not to hold secrets from your children, even if you believe you are protecting them. Instead, build a network of support and have faith that talking honestly can be tolerated and honoured and can lead to healing and wellbeing.

Through hearing yourself speak, you will come to understand what maintains your pain and gradually you will find a path to relief, even if this includes acceptance of your family of origin’s position.