Question
I gave up alcohol for a number of months last year, inspired by Conor Pope’s article and podcast on the subject. The benefits were numerous – including increased energy, better sleep, improved mood and reduced anxiety levels.
I had hoped to continue this sober phase during the recent festive period, but relented due to pressure from my spouse. I am torn now, as I would really like to give up alcohol for an extended period again, but the pressure to drink from my partner is such that I am backing off for a quiet life.
I no longer enjoy drinking and would really like to cut it out. What to do?
Answer
Well done on experimenting with giving up alcohol, and also on being open to inspiration – some credit must go to Conor Pope as well! You don’t say if you had a problem with drinking, but the ease with which you gave it up, along with your knowledge that you no longer enjoy drinking, says this is something that’s both easy and good for you to do.
The problem therefore is in the relationship, both in the pressure you feel and also in your response of anything ”for a quiet life”. Neither of these things bode well for the relationship, so some investigation and engagement needs to happen. It may be that your social life with your partner has so far revolved around going out (perhaps to dinners, the pub etc) and your partner is struggling with the loss of this, or perhaps they like a drink and a chat, and they feel this will no longer be a part of your life together.
Another possibility is that your sobriety challenges their attachment to alcohol, and they may not have known about the depth of their attachment until faced with your withdrawal from it.
Have you thought about replacement couple time/activities without alcohol? These need to be enjoyable and interesting for both of you. They could be anything from a joint sports activity to an evening class – these can also allow some time for a drink afterwards to allow for discussion (you can yourself have an alcohol-free drink).
However, the main ingredient in this change in your social life is that you both put forward your ideas of what might work, and you develop an attitude of “having a go”. Your partner is defensive at the moment and perhaps not even sure why this is the case – can you inquire about how they feel, what the change means to them, and research their concerns about your lifestyle changing? Try not to come up with an answer to each issue raised, but say you will give it due consideration and that you should chat again about it. Then, do give it that attention, and when you come back to the topic, be able to express what it might be like to be in your partner’s shoes.
It would be wonderful if we could make people behave in a certain way, but all we can do is create the possibility for the other person to take the risk of change
When we feel understood, we are much more open to other options, so you will have a greater chance of real conversation if you take such an approach. Your attitude of anything “for a quiet life” is only successful in the short term. Neither you nor your partner feels understood in the current situation, and the effect of not being heard (ie you not speaking up) is that your confidence and sense of self take a hit. It is respectful to hear your partner out, to try to understand each other, and this is our usual pathway to intimacy. By withdrawing your opinion, you are creating a distance in the relationship.
In fact, the not talking can become the focal point of the relationship, and this is deeply unsatisfactory for both parties. It would be wonderful if we could make people behave in a certain way, but all we can do is create the possibility for the other person to take the risk of change, and you cannot do this without knowing what their fear is. You are not asking your partner to give up alcohol and, in all relationships, we do need give and take.
[ ‘He can’t say no to another drink when he’s out with friends or family’Opens in new window ]
Make suggestions that your “couple time” is spent with something for both of you, and take perhaps a year to explore all the possibilities out there, with reviews every so often so that you repeat what works. If your partner’s defensiveness uncovers an over-reliance on alcohol, then you might seek advice and help from HSE.ie (alcohol supports and services) or drinkaware.ie. If this is the case, your partner they will need unwavering support to face the issue, and all the above actions will solidify your relationship, and it will be the two of you facing the problem. You already know the effect of backing off, and it is not good for you.
Be courageous and determined that your relationship will grow and benefit from thorny engagement, and always start with seeking to understand your partner –thus paving the way for new things to emerge.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
