Nothing to worry about on Transfer Deadline Day

VIEW FROM THE COUCH:Say what you like about Sky Sports News on Transfer Deadline Day (TDD) – and you probably will – but in fairness to them, they do cover all available angles, like hiring a sports psychologist to help you through the ordeal.

“There’ll be players who want to go, there’ll be players who don’t want to go, there’ll be players who want to go but don’t know if they’re going to go,” said Cary Cooper, and with that you couldn’t but feel a whole heap better.

(Unless you’re an Arsenal supporter).

“Fans shouldn’t worry about this,” he added, “honestly, there are much more important things to worry about, forget about it – any way, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

When we were taken back to Julian Waters and Kirsty Gallacher in the studio, they looked a little peeved, having spent the previous hour convincing us that this was the Biggest Day in the History of Planet Earth, and that you most certainly should worry about it. Especially if you happened to be “Arry ‘wheelin’ ’n’ dealin” Redknapp, much of their day spent chatting with him through his car window, as is often the case on TDD.

It was a day of dramatic contrasts too, like the moment Rob Dorsett in Stoke handed over to Gary Cotterill in Milan, the former’s lips solidifed with frostbite, while Gary bemoaned the glare of the Italian sunshine.

Sunstroke

Heroically, while trying to battle the sunstroke, Gary tried to find someone to chat about Mario Balotelli’s transfer to AC, finally tracking down Nigel de Jong in his car.

“We managed to have a word with Nigel on his way in to training,” said Gary, “he didn’t say much but this is what he had to say.”

Gary: “Nigel? Can I have a quick word for Sky Sports? Glad to have Mario here?”

Nigel: “Sorry, I’m on the phone.”

And then he drove away.

Gary beamed, like he was the Walter Cronkite of TDD reporting.

Back in the studio they were inviting comments from viewers, which is always a dangerous thing. Harmless enough, though. Michael Ritchie, for example, had taken the day off work “to sit outside Hibernian’s training ground on the outskirts of Edinburgh”. You couldn’t but love the fella, it was like he was expecting Lionel Messi to appear. And John was painting his kitchen and watching on his iPad. “It’s Transfer Deadline Day, but for an Arsenal fan it’s just Thursday,” he wept.

Over to Newcastle where managing director Derek Llambia was trying to convince his interrogator that no big names would be sold. “All our crown jewels are in place,” he said, which had Julian and Kirsty chucking ‘ooooh, err, missus’ glances our way.

“Who do you want your club to sign, do get in touch with us,” said Dharmesh Sheth. “Messi, Ronaldo and van Persie, who do you flippin think,” read 98.43 per cent of the replies.

The Big One, though: Davide Beckhomme to Paris. “Copycat,” said Jonathan Sexton.

Here comes Davide

“NEWS ALERT: BECKHAM MOVE - NEWS CONFERENCE SHORTLY” read the Sky News rolly banner thing, as they abandoned David Cameron’s trip to Libya for the way bigger story.

Robert Nisbet, Sky’s European correspondent, was reporting live from the stadium. “Any sign of Victoria,” asked Kay Burley, getting to the nub of matters, but, sadly, divil a glimpse.

Here he comes, Davide!

At the top table, Beckhomme (England), PSG president Nasser al-Khelaifi (Qatar), sporting director Leonardo (Brazil); not present: manager Carlo Ancelotti (Italy) or PSG superstar Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden). France, it has to be said, wasn’t vive-ing on this day.

When Davide began to share his thoughts on his move, a Sky News voice popped up to translate his comments in to, well, English. Ah now, lads.

Soon after – Kay: “Just to clarify, obviously there are French and English journalists in the room, David Beckham is speaking in English.”

Jeez.

Meanwhile, under Davide’s head, a rolly news alert about horse burgers. Probably just a coincidence, unless Sky was making a barbed point about French eating habits?

Speaking of edible things. Jeremy Thompson on duty now. “They’ve seen him in everything from sunglasses to underwear, but they’ve never really heard him speak before – I wonder what the French will make of this particular rooooost buff?”

Robert didn’t know what to say. “Ha,” was all he could offer, by now pining for a briefing from Michael Noonan.

Back on Sky Sports News. Breaking: Aldershot Town sign Shrewsbury midfielder Asa Hall on loan until the end of the season. As Davide might put it, oooooh la, la

January window The Premier League's confirmed big moves

Arsenal

Outs: Chamakh (West Ham, loan), Djourou (Hannover, loan), Frimpong (Fulham, loan)

Aston Villa

In: Sylla (Clermont Foot) Out: Warnock (Leeds, loan)

Chelsea

In: Ba (Newcastle, undisclosed) Outs: Sturridge (Liverpool), Piazon (Malaga, loan)

Fulham

Ins: Frimpong (Arsenal, loan), Emanuelson (AC Milan, loan) Outs: Kelly (Reading), Stockdale (Hull, loan)

Liverpool

Ins: Sturridge (Chelsea,), Coutinho (Inter Milan) Outs: Cole (West Ham, free), Sahin (Dortmund), Wilson (Hearts, loan), Pacheco (Huesca, loan)

Manchester City

Outs: Balotelli (AC Milan)

Manchester United

Ins: Zaha (Crystal Palace) Outs: Bebe (Rio Ave, loan), Henriquez (Wigan, loan), Brady (Hull, undisclosed), Macheda (Stuttgart, loan)

Newcastle Utd

Ins: Debuchy (Lille), Yanga-Mbiwa (Montpellier), Gouffran (Bordeaux), Sissoko, Mabu (Servette) Out: D Ba (Chelsea)

Norwich City

In: Becchio (Leeds) Out: S Morison

QPR

Ins: Ben Haim (unattached), Remy (Marseille), Y Suk-young (Chunnam Dragons), Samba (Anzhi) Outs: Dyer (Middlesbrough), Cisse (Al Gharafa, loan), Ferdinand (Bursaspor, loan), Faurlin (Palermo, loan)

Reading

In: Kelly (Fulham) Out : Sheppard (Shamrock Rovers, loan)

Southampton

In: Forren (Molde)

Stoke City

In: Shea (FC Dallas) Outs: Higginbotham (Sheffield United, free), Tonge (Leeds), Edu (Bursaspor, loan), Delap (Barnsley, loan)

Sunderland

Ins: Graham (Swansea) Outs: Dong-won (Augsburg, loan), Meyler (Hull), Saha (released).

Swansea City

Outs: Graham (Sunderland)

Tottenham

Ins: Fryers (Standard Liege), Holtby (Schalke) Outs: Cudicini (Los Angeles Galaxy), Gomes (Hoffenheim, loan)

West Ham Utd

Ins: Cole (Liverpool, free), Maguire (Waterford), Chamakh (Arsenal, loan), Paulista (Cruzeiro, loan), Pogatetz (Wolfsburg, loan). Out: Diarra (Rennes)

Wigan Athletic

Ins: Henriquez (Manchester United, loan), Espinoza (Sporting Kansas City), Scharner (Hamburg, loan) Out: Kiernan (Brentford, loan)