Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN
Broadside for Broadfoot: Killie boss targets defender
"It was the ugly boy from Rangers – the male model from Ayrshire. I think his mascara was running."
– Kilmarnock manager Kenny Shiels identifies the Rangers player involved in a tunnel bust-up with his captain – ugly male model Kirk Broadfoot.
Eh? “He’s disappeared out to Azerbaijan, or somewhere ridiculous in the world.” ‘
– ’Arry Redknapp on Tony Adams’ whereabouts. He’s a right global ambassador for Spurs, is ’Arry.
“You can’t do what he did – it was so disrespectful, so unprofessional, I’ve never known anything like that.”
– Andy Gray, speaking on Talksport about the Carlos Tevez business. Stop giggling at the back.
“I just can’t believe it. He has basically kicked his team-mates in the unmentionables.”
– You have to hope for the sake of Tevez’s unmentionables he doesn’t bump in to Franny Lee any day soon.
“I sometimes scratch my head and think: ‘What the hell am I doing it for?’.”
– Steve Bruce on the hours of endless fun he’s having at Sunderland these days.
Worst seats: The search is on
A RATHER excellent interwebs effort to find the single worst seat in any football stadium in the world kicked off recently after news of a QPR season-ticket holder's somewhat imperfect view of the pitch at Loftus Road.
It's hard to imagine that anyone will top the efforts of the Eurosport website which offered photos from Anderlecht's Constant Vanden Stock Stadium, right, and from Hannover's AWD Arena.
Mind you, when their teams are having a 'mare, the owners of those seats probably have the best view in the house.
Calendar: Cock-ups
IT can be a risky business for clubs producing official calendars when they really have no clue what players might have moved on by the time they hit the shops.
Take Arsenal's 2011 calendar. "Fans will be in for a nasty shock when the clock strikes midnight on Friday, 30th September, as Gael Clichy fronts October, and Mr Treachery himself, Samir Nasri, takes up the November spread," the London Metro reported.
Most unfortunate. As is Manchester City's decision to pick Emmanuel Adebayor, now doing his thing at Spurs, as their man for October.
Who, you're wondering, was City's September man?
Yep, Carlos Tevez.
Buttock bother can't stop Rob
IT WAS with some relief we saw that Robbie Keane played in LA Galaxy's game on Saturday against Real Salt Lake, because he had been listed as one of his team's injury doubts for the encounter. It was the description of his injury, though, that had startled us: "right gluteus tightness."
Not being well up on these medical terms we took it that he was stuffed after a heavy meal, so it was good to learn it was only a buttock muscle issue. Despite his gluteus tightness, he played 89 minutes in Galaxy's 2-1 win.
De Gea’s sweet on doughnuts
"A customer was spoken to by our security team and the issue was resolved," said a Tesco spokesman on Doughnut-gate last week – when Manchester United's David de Gea allegedly ate one of their doughnuts without actually paying for it.
In his defence, Alex Ferguson did say last month that De Gea "doesn't know the culture of the country", so it would take him time to adapt.
And, of course, part of that culture is that there are no free doughnuts. A schoolboy error from De Gea, it has to be said.
Bid for Dunne's shirt: 'Siege of Moscow' jersey up for auction
REMEMBER Richard Dunne's epic performance in Moscow? Sure, how could you forget? Remember the "home made" number five scrawled on his back by Alan Kelly after Dunne bloodied his original shirt when he fell face first on to the running track? Would you like that shirt? (The bloodless one, that is). Of course you would.
Not only can you win it, you can help two great causes in the process – Barretstown, the camp that provides therapeutic recreation programmes for children with serious illnesses, and the National Children's Hospital in Tallaght.
Dunne has donated the jersey for an auction on the FAI's Facebook page (www.facebook.com/faiofficial) – if you don't use Facebook, you can bid at www.fai.ie/dunnesjersey.
It's a "lowest unique bid" auction, "the lowest monetary amount not bid by anyone else will be deemed the winner", and you can enter for just €5, running until Thursday, October 20th.
Offer withdrawn: Limavady pull out of Tevez rescue bid
FAX of the week? That'd be the one sent by Limavady United's vice-chairman David Brewster to Manchester City: ". . . may I on behalf of Limavady United FC indicate our willingness to assist you with a difficult problem. We would be perfectly willing to take Mr Tevez on loan for the remainder of the season or until transfer . . . our club would not be in a position to discharge Mr Tevez's wages but I am sure you can see the advantages of keeping him match fit prior to any possible sale . . . We look forward to your early reply to permit us to complete the necessary paperwork with the Irish Football Association if the matter is to proceed."
Unfortunately for City, Brewster withdrew the generous offer on Saturday after Limavady lost 2-0 to Institute – the highlight of the day Limavady fans singing Don't Cry for Me Argentina.
"Clearly our performance against Institute showed that all the speculation surrounding the possible arrival of Carlos unsettled the first-team squad," said Brewster. "No player is bigger than the club, and we have unilaterally withdrawn our offer."
Back to the drawing board for City, then.
Red Devils: Fans' Tevez taunt
YOU might remember that somewhat controversial poster put up by Manchester City when United old-boy Carlos Tevez joined the club.
"Welcome to Manchester," it said, the naughty implication being that United isn't a proper Manchester club at all.
Well, last week, after that incident involving the bench-bound Tevez, the Manchester United Supporters' Trust paid for their own poster to be beamed from a giant electronic billboard in the city's Piccadilly Gardens.
"Welcome to Carlos, Manchester," it read, over a picture of a huffy Tevez sitting on that Munich bench.
Casey out to grass
TRIBUTE of the week? It'd be hard to beat what the Schilter family have created at their farm in Olympia, Washington, in honour of goalkeeper Kasey Keller.
Keller, who played with a string of clubs in England before moving back to America to join Seattle Sounders, is a native of Olympia, so this tribute was especially moving.
"I honestly don't think too many other athletes can say they've had their likeness featured in a corn maze," he said.
And d'you know, he's probably right.
