The Christmas office party is a veritable minefield if you're lucky enough to have one this year. You’re supposed to hang out with your colleagues, let loose, have fun but not so much fun that people start whispering behind your back. It’s a difficult balance to strike but here are some strategies to get through it …
Food
Make sure and have a decent meal before you go out. Even if you are certain food will be provided at the party, line your stomach so you don’t end up attacking the canapés like a Cavan man at a buffet. Protein and fat slow down the absorption rate of alcohol into the blood, so your standard dinner will suffice. If you find yourself in a position where you have no time for a proper meal, just eat cheese - on it's own or on some toast. It has protein, fat and calcium in abundance.
Don’t think a wedge of brie and an Easi Single will allow you to hit the double brandies though, as you may risk being escorted into a taxi shouting “Bush I had cheese.” Stay away from salty or greasy food as they make you want to drink more.
Social media
Social media in all its forms is best left alone for the night. Colleagues may not appreciate you taking photos of them and posting them to Facebook or Twitter without their permission. If you have your hand welded to your iPhone or Blackberry all night you will appear antisocial, so put down the phone and engage in some conversation with some real-life people.
If you must keep an eye on your phone, log out of Facebook and Twitter to prevent yourself posting any tweets or status updates that may cost you your job. John from HR may have lost his shirt, have his tie around his head and started a conga line but the world doesn’t need to see it.
Drink
If you’re lucky enough to have a free bar at your office party, tell yourself you are actually paying for it to slow yourself down. You wouldn’t normally order a flaming Drambuie and this is certainly not the time to start. Do not mix the grape and the grain, unless you want to wake up more nauseous than a pregnant Kate Middleton.
When drinking, keep your drink in your left hand so that when you have to shake someone’s hand, it isn’t cold or wet. If you’re not a drinker, be a good Samaritan and keep an eye on colleagues who may have become inebriated. Keep them away from the bar and book them a taxi home. That way, you can use it to your advantage in the New Year when you want a day off.
Colleagues
Don’t use the office party as an excuse to list a litany of complaints and gripes to anyone who will listen. It is acceptable to talk about work for a certain amount of time but “talking shop” the whole night will have you marked out as the office bore. Avoid getting into controversial subjects like religion and politics and stick to more general topics of conversation. As Benjamin Disraeli put it, “talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours”.
Don’t moan or criticise other colleagues. You may think you are being discreet but you could well be yelling it for all and sundry to hear as the drink takes hold. Do speak to people you wouldn’t normally speak to as they may be shy in social situations and may need a push in the right direction.
It’s also a chance to get to know people as people and not just “that man on the 5th floor with the loud ties”. If you’re not the mingling type, find someone who isn’t either and be miserable together.
The boss
This is not the time to ask your boss for a promotion or air any grievances. Things not to say to your boss on this night include – “I love you” “I hate you”, “I want to be you” “I could do your job blindfolded.” If you feel yourself slurring “Thish hash to be shaid…..” It doesn’t help – so stop and walk away. If you have to talk to them, thank them for the party and move swiftly on.
Dancing
The office party is, for many, a time to unleash their inner John Travolta or at worst David Brent. Older members of staff should take the lead by hitting the dancefloor first. You’ve been here for 27 years so you have nothing to lose.
Take it as an opportunity to introduce the young whippersnappers to stalwarts like the Walls of Limerick, the Siege of Ennis or even some Rock the Boat. Don’t overdo it though, as did a 46-year-old man who died last week from over exerting himself to Gangnam Style at his office party.
Office romance
After a few hours and a few drinks Maureen from payroll may look like a goddess. Before you make a drunken lunge at any colleague ask yourself, “Is this a good idea?” The answer is “probably not” and you may face being shot down in front of all your co workers.
Don’t let bonhomie turn into sleaze - January is hard enough without having a sexual harassment case on your hands, so step away from the mistletoe. If you’re so overcome with ardour that you feel like the office party is your last chance to declare your love/lust, at least make sure they don’t have a wife/husband/partner etc.
The next day
So, you didn’t heed any of the advice and you’re now crying in the shower awaiting the thud of the P45 as it lands in your postbox. The worst thing you can do is not turn up to work the next day or the following Monday. It only gives people a chance to gossip behind your back and speculate wildly on your antics.
You can always hope people were too drunk themselves to even notice or claim someone spiked your seventh drink. However, honesty is the best policy. Simply state you had too much to drink, apologise and move on.