The Bigger Picture:The way we, in particular, look at things in life is not only just one possible outlook of many, but also can change no matter how old we are. In truth, most of us didn't choose the kind of perspectives we might hold, and indeed defend, throughout our lives.
For example, are you a glass half-empty of half-full type of person? Do you remember deciding to be this way (and so, when and why)? Or, was it more that the people around you seemed to agree that this was the most useful perspective to hold? If so, then did they decide this, or were they reacting to certain experiences in their lives?
The perspectives we carry have a lot more to do with our need for support and belonging than what reflects us or makes sense for us now. Much of how we see things today - our view on ourselves and what's possible - was actually forced on us as small children. We would have had no choice; it was the common perspective of the environment we lived in, and not only would we have received validation for adopting this perspective, we would have experienced difficulties if we insisted on carrying a different point of view.
Connection and belonging have a lot to do with the formation of our perspective. This is why peer pressure - be it positive or negative - is so powerful. At the root of it all, what really drive us (particularly when we are growing) are our needs for belonging and support. And so, we will take on any idea that feels like it will deliver us these two things.
Nevertheless, our perspective is an incredibly influencing resource in our lives. A perspective can cause or alleviate very real, physical stress. Indeed, a particular perspective can actually impact on whether or not we will heal from an illness, or bring the things that really matter to us into our lives.
Any perspective we hold that create limits we don't want, causes us stress or makes us unhappy are the perspectives that need to change.
Self-criticism is a good example. Not only does this serve no useful purpose, it definitely did not come from within us in the first place. Rather, it is something that was imposed upon us by others.
What is key about criticism is that it holds judgment - good or bad. In truth, there is nothing about us that is bad. There may be things we've done when we weren't aware of the whole picture or things that have hurt others. It is most likely that if we'd seen these outcomes in the first place, we would have behaved differently. Most importantly, at the point where we realise it, these things can be acknowledged and learned from, thus resulting in a change in our behaviour in the future. In this process, the more self-esteem
we get to hold onto, the more we will be able to learn and make changes.
Not all our perspectives need to change. It is very likely that we have passively received some very good ideas from our childhood environment that benefit us on a daily basis. While it is common for our attention to focus on places we are struggling, emphasising these as the full picture of our lives is also inaccurate. Indeed, doing so will cause us more stress, erode our confidence and make us feel bad about ourselves.
Probably, before we change anything else, the most useful thing to do in our lives is notice what is already good about us . . . and there's plenty. We do have strengths, and we get to enjoy them. Each one of us has wonderful, individual, "quirky" characteristics that only we share, and we get to feel good about them.
Noticing these things is a very loving thing to do, both for ourselves and others. Indeed, it doesn't really make sense to embark on fundamental changes in our perspective unless our own reserves of self-love are well resourced.
Still, when we do go to consciously change some of our perspectives, such that we end up thinking differently from our common environment, we might feel as though we're on our own in this world.
However, given that we might want our choices about perspective to reflect completely who we are and what kind of life we want, it can be a good thing to make these choices on our own.
It is possible that the people around us might be uncomfortable or uninterested in our new point of view. We don't need to lose them completely, however. As adults, we each have separate journeys of growth and self-expression. We still get to notice our love for each other, even if we have chosen different paths. Indeed, it is the diversity in our lives that teaches us the most.
Still, there will be times when we will want to find people with whom we broadly share similar views. These are the people we will "click" with, people we believe "understand" us and feel "safest" with. It is in this company that we will get to relax, for a while, between now and our next great challenge.
www.shalinisinha.com
Shalini works as a life coach for clients in Ireland and inter- nationally, and practises the Bowen technique in Dublin and Wexford.