‘I was away for the weekend, looked at the doorbell camera and could see my boyfriend moving out’

Question

I moved in with my boyfriend about two years ago and we had some difficulties – but honestly no more than I see with other couples.

We rented a lovely property, and had a lovely time bonding together while decorating it. I later organised to go away for a weekend with my group of close friends, and when I happened to look at the doorbell camera on our front door on my phone, was stunned to discover I could see (and hear) him moving all his things out.

I was so shocked, and all my friends watched with me as he joked and made smart comments to his own pals about how I would find out that he had gone when I came back from the weekend. It was wonderful that I was with my friends, and for a while I felt very buoyed up by their righteous anger and their support, but now I am back in our house, where I had such hopes of a life-long relationship – and I am devastated.

He comes from a difficult family background and I know that he finds closeness difficult and he has been working on not running from intimacy – we have talked a lot about this. I really think he is making a huge mistake, but I am not sure if I can hang around and wait for him to realise this.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I am in my mid-30s and I know that I want a family and commitment from a partner, so time is important at this stage.

Do I wait and see whether he will realise his mistake, or move on and try to find someone else to share my life with?

Answer

It is true that these days, technology is often what alerts us to someone’s infidelity or abandonment. This often happens on someone’s mobile phone, but of course the door camera, with accompanying sound, has a very visceral reality when it alerts us to someone’s betrayal.

In a way, this might be good for you, as it can act as a reality check when you consider re-engaging with this man at such a crucial time of your life. It is not as if he is not aware of his motivations or that you have not spoken of his predilection for running from commitment, so it might be in your own best interests to consider fully letting him go.

Clearly you love him, and see his potential, and realise that he is possibly creating his own misery by rejecting his chance of lifelong support and togetherness, but your focus needs to be on your own plan for a successful life. It is possible to love someone and let them go – and this is done on the basis that your life is the one that needs your attention, and he is not in a place that matches where you are at. The difficulty for you is that you have not fully let go, and so your mind, emotions and probably your physical self are engaged in a sort of “longing” for what might have been.

[ My boyfriend withdraws from life when something upsets himOpens in new window ]

Grieving for something that still has some possibility is very hard and it will involve tolerating hurt and loss while practising determination to focus on what is good in your life. The first action is to make a decision – that this relationship is over. Then, you need to put your full self behind the decision: this means deleting any social media contact or any online linking up with your ex. It means deleting his number from your phone and only speaking of the relationship in past terms. Emotionally you accept that it is over, and mentally do not let your mind go to “what if”.

Your friends will be important in this endeavour – they can comfort you without spending hours talking about how terrible your boyfriend was. They can engage you in lots of life-affirming activities and accompany you to events or classes that might hook your attention.

You have loved well before and will love well again, so have faith in yourself that when you have recovered, your natural openness and curiosity will return

Grief takes time, and it needs to be given that time so that it is not a “pretend okay”. You do not want to rush into another relationship, as the next person you choose needs to be someone you can rely on to be a fully functioning adult who can accept responsibility. When we are vulnerable, our judgment can be off – and there is no doubt you will be vulnerable for a while.

However, this does not mean not engaging socially or not working on feeling attractive, as this will build your confidence. You have loved well before and will love well again, so have faith in yourself that when you have recovered, your natural openness and curiosity will return.

There is a chance that your ex comes back to you with an offer of re-engagement that you find yourself wanting to consider. If this is to happen, you can only consider it with strong evidence of his willingness to tackle his issues, and this means long-term therapy and evidence of commitment. Your friends have your best interests at heart, so listen to them carefully before taking any action.

You should choose your path based on what is best for you, and not on the hope that someone will change in the future – there would need to be evidence of change now.