‘I discovered the affair when a text came in on my husband’s phone’

Question

I’m not quite sure how to describe my problem but maybe the most accurate thing to say is that we are recovering after an affair.

I discovered the affair when a text came in on my husband’s phone while he was in the toilet, and I couldn’t help but see it. It was a sext and not only was I shocked to discover the other woman, but we have never texted each other in this way so I felt doubly hit. There was (is) a huge break in trust but we decided to stay together. It has been an uphill battle to rebuild trust, however.

I thought we had worked it out, the kids are all back on track in school and the house is back to normality but I get caught all the time – I might be doing something like hoovering and I might find it difficult to breathe, or I find that I am checking the laundry for receipts or some evidence of betrayal. I don’t want to be this person but I am so unhappy and sad. Things that used to bring joy now seem fake – like getting breakfast in bed or dressing up to go out at night.

I think my kids feel safe again, they don’t know what went on, but they know that something was fractured, and they used to try to get us to go on date nights. This has stopped and maybe they sense a new stability, but I think I am just better at hiding it.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

Answer

You have experienced huge betrayal from which there is no fixed timeline for recovery and putting pressure on yourself probably only exacerbates the situation. You say you feel fake and while this does not satisfy it does show you are committed to a future where the relationship and family are solid again.

You may have gone to see a therapist with your partner and if so, this might have allowed you to explore all the whys and contours of your relationship and how such a breach might have happened. While this understanding helps a huge amount, the hurt and fear that ensues can last a long time, way beyond what we might expect. When we are in an intimate relationship, we become vulnerable in many ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our partner becomes our safe haven where we can expose the whole of ourselves and be accepted and supported to go out and face the world again.

If the relationship is not safe, then we are on edge all of the time, and this is exhausting and damaging. We want and expect loyalty, kindness and fairness but this is rarely spoken or discussed so we blunder on in the hope that it emerges somehow. What the aftermath of an affair can do is bring all of these issues to the surface and we declare ourselves committed to delivering the characteristics that can maintain a union.

However, the hurt, loss and fear can dominate, and even take over, so that what emerges is suspicion, vigilance and monitoring, which the relationship will struggle to survive. You have decided your partner deserves another chance and to get fully behind this you will need to allow them to live their intentions (to be fully committed to you) and own their setbacks. The truthfulness of your communication will support this trajectory, but you also need to manage where your mind and focus is so that you are not fully occupied with watching or faking okay-ness.

[ ‘I’m dating someone, but now she is going to hear about what I did’Opens in new window ]

It will take time for trust to be rebuilt and in the meantime, you need to create a life that is full and engaging for you. No doubt your confidence and sense of attractiveness has taken a hit and this needs to be replenished by you doing things that you are good at or that you fully enjoy. Having your mind (and body) focused on things that make you feel successful is something you should commit to so that you get relief from the commentary in your head. Spending time with people you admire and enjoy will give you a sense of worth and gradually the gap between your outer representation and inner self will close. It is important not to start checking things (eg phones and receipts) as this confirms that you cannot trust your judgment and leads to a lessening of self-belief.

Your intelligence operates best when you are in good shape, that is a relaxed body, a quiet mind and are open emotionally. Any activities that promote these qualities will be of benefit, think about meditation, yoga or mindfulness and invest in yourself at this time. As you recover your equilibrium you can allow yourself to enjoy your partner again but this time you are committed to truthfulness and challenge as well as to love and kindness.