‘I’m dating someone, but now she is going to hear about what I did’

Question

I feel as though I mess everything up and I’ve done it again recently. I went to a party and, of course, did not go home when I should have and so ended up spending the night with someone I shouldn’t have.

I was recently dating someone I have known since school and it was developing nicely, I was even thinking of asking her to be exclusive, but now she is going to hear about this and I have no answer for what I did. We are all in the same friend circles so there is no avoiding the gossip, and this may destroy any hope of the relationship working.

I think it was the booze, but I know that is only part of it. I feel like I cannot stop myself from self-destruction and this has been a theme of my life for a long time now. I always seem to leave jobs just when promotion or success is just around the corner and my mother tells me that I take after my father (she divorced him when I was in my teens). He is a sad man now, living alone in a state of depression and I fear ending up like him.

Is there anything I can do to repair this? This girl is someone I really admire, and I was beginning to believe in a future where I might be proud of myself.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

Answer

This is a wake-up call for you as the possible loss of this burgeoning relationship is a high price to pay for a night out. There is also the fallout for the person you spent the night with, and this person does not seem to get any of your attention or consideration.

At the very least, you might realise that you need to do some self-examination so that you can address your habits and tendencies. Engaging with a counsellor or psychotherapist/psychologist is an obvious first step, and if money is an issue there are many low-cost initiatives, but it is important to ensure that the professional is accredited and registered (see the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, the Psychological Society of Ireland or the Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy for lists of accredited professionals).

While you are organising this, you might also engage with some life skills sessions that can help you become more self-aware and thus better at self-management. Aware offers online life skills programmes, which are well researched and evidence-based, that you could start immediately. What all of this will do is offer you a pathway to addressing your life issues and give you a chance to demonstrate to those around you that you are serious about self-development.

Your best chance of continuing a relationship with the girl you desire is to come clean with her, tell her what happened and also let her know what you are doing to address it. She may not stay the course with you, but she might respect your honesty, and if you are ever to have a future relationship, truthfulness will be a cornerstone of it. Relationships deepen when obstacles are overcome, and while yours may be in too early a phase for this, there is a sliver of hope that with time, this might develop into something important.

[ ‘Is it worth taking my family to see a grandad who is only sort of interested in seeing them?’Opens in new window ]

You will need to be vigilant that your past habits do not again destroy something valuable and meaningful to you and you will need ongoing support so that you stay on track. Your confidence takes a huge hit every time you let yourself down and this compounds your belief that you cannot change or are not worth the effort. When you get behind yourself, put time, effort and money into your own development, you will find that your confidence gets an opportunity to shine, and people will begin to trust you again.

Part of this is taking responsibility and facing consequences, and this applies to the person you spent the night with. They deserve an engagement where you own your part in it, where you acknowledge their possible hurt and where you handle some of the gossip that might be ensuing. Shame is a toxic emotion in that it makes us retreat and feel horrible about ourselves. The way to overcome it is to approach the situation, speak as openly as possible and own your part in it, as well as your learning from it.

You will not be alone, everyone recognises shame as a force to be reckoned with, and your group will hear your honesty and regret if you are genuine in your communication.

This is an opportunity, so take it and begin to live a life that you can be proud of.