Culture

In a Word . . . Health

Patsy McGarry's face
Patsy McGarry
Sat Nov 23 2019 - 00:00

I’m thinking of giving up food and drink. For health reasons. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, these days seems carcinogenic. Pick up a paper/read an online reports any day and you are likely to discover that every single food or drink you partake of will limit your living days.

There I was tucking into my favourite breakfast when I made the mistake of picking up a newspaper. It had a report that: “Even moderate amounts of ham, bacon and red meat are linked to bowel cancer, experts have warned.”

I looked at the beautiful grilled rashers on the plate, all that lovely black pudding too, and wondered whether it would be the death of me.

That was when I decided that, should I ever face execution (there are some I wouldn’t mind shoving over a cliff!) my last meal will include loads of grilled rashers. Smoked ones too, to enhance the flavour as well as the carcinogenic effect.

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I looked at my cup of coffee and remembered hearing last year that it can contain acrylamide, a chemical used in processing it and found in chips (frying causes acrylamide formation), toast, snack foods, crackers, biscuits, cereals, and tobacco products.

‘Are you mad?’

Did I dare, sip at such poison? “Maybe I’ll have a glass of milk instead,” I said to myself, feeling cowardly. “Milk!” an inner voice did like thunder spake. “Are you mad?” (Always a good question where I’m concerned).

“Don’t you realise milk is one of the top sources of artery-clogging saturated fat? It contains cholesterol, is high in saturated fat. Heart disease country, you idiot! (I hate it when it talks to me like that) And cheese! Yes your favourite cheese is deadly. Over 70 per cent fat. Touch it and you’re dead!”

What could I say? (Such an angry inner voice).

“What about water then?” I asked, politely. “Did you say ‘water’?” came the outraged response. I admitted I had. “Do you want cryptosporidium for life?” I didn’t. “Or have all those lead pipes damage your kidneys and give you blood pressure?” Not that either.

“Breathing...?” I suggested, timidly. “Air pollution causes strokes, lung cancer and heart disease,” bellowed the inner voice.

Which is why I am giving up eating, drinking, and breathing.

It’s just not safe. I could get my death.

Health from Old English hælþ, hal "hale, whole"

inaword@irishtimes.com