TV View: Unleash Graeme Souness on these animal-hating low-lives

Divine intervention in Kilcoo; Shane Horgan worships at the altar of Johnny Sexton

"Sometimes, maybe, God's on your side," said Kilcoo's Eugene Branagan when TG4's Micheál O'Domhnaill asked him to explain, for all that's good and holy, how his team had managed to beat Kilmacud Crokes in the All-Ireland club final when their hopes had been given the last rites more than once in the course of the contest.

And divine intervention, as it proved, was kind of the theme of the sporting day, not least when it came to analysing Ireland’s what-might-have-been trip to Paris.

The learnings?

Rob Kearney, doffing his cap to Joey Carbery's efforts, had no doubt. "I think the most important thing we've learnt is that Ireland have a rugby team without Johnny Sexton, which is a big plus," he said.

Shane Horgan?

“With Sexton at 10, Ireland would have won that game.”

Rob and his Virgin Media teammate Matt Williams thought this was decidedly harsh, not least on Joey, but Shane wouldn't budge from his belief if the deity that is Johnny was on the pitch instead of spectating, then Ireland would have been home and hosed.

“A missed opportunity,” he said of the game, although Matt pointed out that Ireland “went toe to toe with the heavyweight champion of the world” and only lost on points. “That’s all you can bloody lose on in rugby,” Shane didn’t say, but he was thinking it.

Joe Molloy tried to cheer Shane up by telling him that the final of The Masked Singer was coming up on Virgin Media, but while that had Rob and Matt quite excited, Shane was unmoved.

“A missed opportunity,” he said again, Ireland’s Grand Slam hopes down the Swanee, but come Sunday Rob tried to reassure him that most probably France wouldn’t win the Grand Slam either because “they were no outstanding shakes themselves yesterday”.

Souness sticks up for the cat

The outstanding shakes, as it turned out, were to be found in Sky Sports' Super Sunday studio where Graeme Souness pulverised the wretched excuse for a human being that is Kurt Zouma.

It was last September, when Sky brought us “the world’s first ever net zero carbon football match”, that Graeme revealed himself to be a highly passionate animal lover, a revelation that some of us never saw coming. It’s not that he isn’t most probably a good man, it’s just that you wouldn’t necessarily expect this level of empathy from someone who saw opposing shins as legitimate targets in the course of their playing career. Although, admittedly, it’s hard to find a seamless link here.

The mere mention of Zouma’s name, then, was never going to go down well.

"We don't know what he's been through," said Jamie Carragher when news filtered through that Zouma had dropped out of the West Ham team due to play Leicester. "Not as much as the cat went through," said Graeme, his cheek muscles flexing so violently, Jamie looked scared. Micah Richards too.

“That cat hadn’t done anything wrong,” he added, a line that none of us - and be honest here - ever anticipated hearing on Sky Sports Super Sunday.

“I wouldn’t have played him again this year,” he said, “if I was a player I wouldn’t want to be in the same dressing room with him, I would not want him around the place.”

His emotions hadn’t eased come full-time in the game - “I’d love to see him pursued in court, I think what he’s guilty of is outrageous behaviour that goes beyond the pale” - Micah, quite heroically, daring to debate him, pointing out that there are convicted murderers back out on the streets again. He did, then, believe banning Zouma until the end of the season would be too harsh a punishment.

“Would you allow him to have another cat in his house,” Graeme asked him. By now, Micah would have been afraid to enter Graeme’s house.

Graeme Souness? Legend.

Meanwhile, over on Sky Sports News, word was filtering through about a video showing former eventing Olympic champion Sir Mark Todd whipping a horse 10 times with a branch to try and force it through a water obstacle.

Truly, our world is screwed. It needs divine intervention. Or Graeme Souness to be allowed deal with these low-lives.