Soccer

All in the Game: Michael Owen falls foul of Storm Arwen

Erling Haaland brings up his Bundesliga half century; Van der Vaart on Harry Maguire

Erling Haaland scored his 50th Bundesliga goal in as many appearances. Photograph: Martin Rose/Getty

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Mary Hannigan
Mon Nov 29 2021 - 10:00

Michael Owen falls foul of Storm Arwen

‘Looks like I won’t be going anywhere for a while,” Michael Owen tweeted on Friday night, along with a photo of a tree that that had fallen victim to Storm Arwen, leaving it blocking the road in and out of his home. How sympathetic were the replies, particularly from those not overly keen on Owen’s habit of stating the bleedin’ obvious on BT Sport? Well….

“If I was to analyse the situation in the style of you Michael, I’d say that a tree has fallen down and blocked the lane”; “If that tree weren’t in the way you would have gone through there”; “It didn’t fall down. It listened to some of your commentary and laid down for a sleep”; “All we need is a tree blocking McManaman now”.

And: “You could always get a helicopter out, like when you left the Toon when we got relegated”; “You said that when you were happily sitting on the bench at NUFC getting overpaid”; “You’ve been going nowhere since 2005 pal”.

Were they at least happy for him when he posted an update showing the tree cleared? “Thanks for the update, Michael. Riveting. You’ve had me on the edge of my seat all morning”; “Was worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight but you’ve put those fears to rest now.” Nope.

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Quote of the week

"It's better to have a Ferrari than a Fiat 500." - Carlo Ancelotti comparing life as Everton gaffer to his current job as Real Madrid head honcho. Indignant Everton fans nearly choked on their Toffees.

Number of the week

50 -That's how many goals Erling Haaland has now scored in 50 league appearances - on Saturday, the 21-year-old became the youngest player to reach the mark in the Bundesliga. Useful.

Word of mouth

"I talk about Harry Maguire so much, so I try to avoid him. But he is really s**t." Rafael Van der Vaart, finding his inner Roy Keane.

"I kind of understand the boos. The fans have great expectations because we're a great team, so I take it as a compliment." When he retires, Spurs' Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg will become a spin doctor.

"They talk too much about the past…. it becomes like a loop. You have to think about the present or you should go to a hospital and clean your head." Zlatan Ibrahimovic suggesting that Manchester United need to acknowledge that this is 2021, not 1999.

Jesus Mary Joseph and the wee donkey

Best use of a Ted Hastings quote to celebrate going 3-1 up against Borussia Mönchengladbach in the Rhine derby? We’ll go with FC Cologne’s Twitter response to Ondrej Duda’s goal which sent the team on their way to a 4-1 win:

“JESUS MARY JOSEPH AND THE WEE DONKEY.”

Mind you, for German non-Line of Duty watchers, there was nothing but confusion, like from the poor lad whose response was simply: “??”

More word of mouth

"They're doing okay - and if okay is fine for everybody else in Ireland, then good luck to them. He has the Irish press on his side, especially the Dublin lot." Apart from that, Roy Keane is quite happy with Stephen Kenny's reign.

"He was a kind of strange guy, chasing people with lighters and hairspray to set them on fire." Finland international Simon Skrabb reminiscing about his never-a-dull-moment spell with Mario Balotelli at Brescia.

"He will not find any glory at Manchester United. Such an orgy of buying average footballers for big money never ended well." Former Lokomotiv Moscow president Olga Smorodskaya on the prospects of Ralf Rangnick succeeding in his new gig.

Exchange of the week

Reporter: “Which Brazil player would you like to see Manchester City sign?”

Ederson: “I’d bring ‘The Pigeon’. For the chats. He’s a goof, a clown. There are many words I can put on him.”

Everton’s Richarlison? ‘Shucks, thanks.’

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