Loose tongues apparently not just a problem for race horses

TV VIEW:TED WALSH was explaining to those of us who know nothing about these things that Ballyhaunis – the horse, not the town – had to have a tongue tie applied at Leopardstown yesterday to keep his tongue strapped to his bottom jaw, otherwise he could choke during his race.

“Some horses fiddle with their auld tongues and they get loose,” he told us. “There’s probably a lot of humans could have their tongues tied to their bottom jaws too – and there’s a few you’d hope would choke themselves.”

D’you know, it could be Sky Sports are now tempted to kit out Richard Keys and Andy Gray with tongue ties for those moments when they think their “off-air” chat isn’t being recorded.

“This fella’s sweating between the cheeks of his backside,” Ted had said of Si C’Etait Vrai before the final race yesterday, and

you’d imagine Keys and Gray experienced a similar sensation when they were informed their comments on Saturday about lineswoman Sian Massey, on duty for the Wolves v Liverpool game, had been recorded and made public.

Comments that suggested the pair have all the maturity of a nursing foal.

RK: “Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her.”

AG: “Can you believe that? A female linesman? They probably don’t know the offside rule.”

RK: “Of course they don’t. I can guarantee you there will be a big one today. Kenny (Dalglish) will go potty.

AG: “For **** sake . . .”

RK: “. . . this is not the first time, is it? Didn’t we have one before? Wendy Toms?”

AG: “She ****ed it up as well.”

This notion that unless you’re suitably equipped below the belt – and have the mental capacity of, say, Stephen Hawking – you couldn’t possibly figure out something as uncomplicated as the offside rule has always been curious.

Keys and Gray evidently cling to the view it is the sporting equivalent of splitting the atom, which probably says a great deal more about their mental capacity than it does about that of Massey.

The same Massey who, incidentally, got the game’s big decision right, correctly judging Raul Meireles was onside when he set up Liverpool’s first goal.

Maybe Fifa should hire her to explain the offside rule to all those boy linespeople who habitually get it wrong?

Just a thought.

It’s almost as if Keys and Gray fear that once wimin crack the offside code Planet Lads will crumble, much as Jim Corr suspects the New World Order is out to upend the good ship earth and all those who sail in her.

Who knows, maybe Keys and Gray fervently believe Massey planted womanly nano-termites on that Molineux touchline?

“Phew, am exhausted,” tweeted Dalglish’s daughter Kelly, a former Sky Sports presenter, yesterday. “Just read about something called ‘the offside rule’. Too much for my tiny brain. Must be damaged from nail polish fumes.”

Kenny would have smiled, you’d imagine.

Still, though, Massey’s mere presence on the touchline led Keys to conclude “the game’s gone mad”. And he was only warming up.

“D’you see the charming Karren Brady this morning complaining about sexism?” he asked Gray. “Yeah, do me a favour, love.”

Cripes, it’s only January and we have our “Doh!” quote of the year.

Unaware his comments had been recorded, Keys, when asked yesterday what he had said about Massey, insisted he had “wished the young lady all the best” for the game.

But then he was informed of the recording, at which point those backside cheeks of his quite probably began sweating profusely.

He probably shouldn’t worry, though, himself and Gray will be grand – they might even be asked now to pose naked for a Nuts centrefold.

Granted, Ron Atkinson, happily, lost his job after his delightful racist comments were broadcast, but do me a favour, love, this is just lads being lads. No harm, innit? Keys and Gray are probably chest-bumping in solidarity as we speak.

All Massey can do is rise above the witless contempt and get on with cracking the offside code.

And all Hurricane Fly can do is get on with winning races, despite having his horse-manliness called into question.

“He’s a narrow little bit of a horse, you would slightly say maybe that he’s a bit feminine-looking for a gelding,” said Ted before yesterday’s Champion Hurdle, although, in fairness, he added that Hurricane Fly had “a nice quality head on him”. Before alleging that “he can get a little bit gassy”.

Well, perhaps propelled by that gas, Hurricane Fly came home first, and after crossing the line he raised his head, looked straight in to the camera – honest – and sent a message to Ted.

One that can’t be repeated here, but trust us, not since Mister Ed has a horse made his thoughts so explicit.

The gist, we think, was “do me a favour, love”.