Ministers savaged as hunt hots up for Cowen's invisible plan

DÁIL SKETCH:THE MAN with the invisible plan scuttled away at lunchtime and won't be back in the Dáil chamber for some time, January 27th to be exact.

So even if we could see the plan, we can't.

He may or may not have had this famous plan in his briefcase, although there is a strong suspicion that the only thing in Biffo's briefcase these days is his sandwiches.

Which is a worrying thought.

But the Taoiseach apparently has a plan to fix the banks. He just won't tell anyone about it.

Nobody has seen it, except, perhaps, Brian Lenihan. But that's no use to anybody, because the Minister for Finance is gone from the Dáil as well. If there is a plan, the bankers will probably have seen it. In fact, if Biffo is a good boy, they might just hurry up and write it and leave it under his tree on Christmas Eve.

They wrote the first one. It wasn't great. But - on the plus side for them - they are still in their big jobs and - on the negative side for us - the Two Brians are still huffing and puffing about what they intend to do.

Which brings us back to where we started. They have a cunning plan.

God only knows what it is, but it will definitely involve the social partners in some way. The Taoiseach stressed this over and over again yesterday.

"In the course of the coming weeks I have indicated that, as a result of meeting with the social partners, there will be intensive discussions on bringing forward a plan for economic renewal, which will include a fiscal stability programme based on those discussions . . . the Government needs the time and ability to get on with that work we are talking about in terms of preparing such a plan for economic renewal with the social partners," Cowen told the Dáil.

So, there you have it. From the horse's mouth. It'll be a while yet before there is any plan.

By the end of Leaders' Questions, that's as much as anyone knew.

Without a plan to get their teeth into, the Opposition had to sink its fangs into something. The Taoiseach and his Ministers obliged.

"It is patently clear that this is now the most incompetent Government in the history of the State," sniffed Enda Kenny, in no humour to spread the festive spirit. (Mind you, there was no shortage of the festive spirit from Enda and Fine Gael on Tuesday night, when they invited journalists to drinks in the Shelbourne Hotel and the wine was served in the crystal equivalent of buckets.)

Eamon Gilmore, meanwhile, might have been describing the aftermath of the Cabinet's Christmas dinner in Farmleigh the other night when he declared: "What we have is a Government that is politically and economically dysfunctional, that is adrift and that is now staggering exhausted to the Christmas break."

Or he could have been describing the aftermath of the Fine Gael drinks.

"I will be absolutely clear lest there be any doubt. This Government is appalling. It is a deadbeat Government," thundered deputy Gilmore, evoking memories of Monty Python's parrot.

Ministers smirked unconvincingly as the onslaught continued.

But the attacks from Enda and Eamon must have stung, because by teatime, word came from Government Buildings that the invisible plan had been located and it was being gussied up in readiness for a big presentation in Dublin Castle today. If the event goes to previous form, all house-trained social partners will be rounded up and herded into the castle. It'll be like one of those days outside the Department of Agriculture in Kildare Street when the farmers come to protest.

But why all the hugger- mugger? Could it be that there is no plan at all? Actually, there isn't. There is a "framework". All very nice and aspirational, but hardly a plan, which is what everyone had been led to expect.

This was later described by one Government source as "an evolving framework". Tánaiste Coughlan called it "a platform". It'll probably be a blueprint by this morning.

However, as with all good wheezes, there is a title: "Building Ireland's Smart Economy." The way things are being handled by this secretive administration (nervous Fianna Fáil deputies are in a state of constant surprise) with their last-minute announcements and invisible plans that aren't really plans, we could be in for something this afternoon that is more Maxwell Smart than smart.

Which would make Mary Coughlan Agent 99.