Stepping into parenthood

ASK THE EXPERT:Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with a step-child is fraught with difficulties

Q Have you any advice on how to negotiate the difficult role of step-parent? My husband has a child from a previous relationship who lives with us part-time. She has behavioural problems.

I want to be a good step- parent, but find the relationship difficult. Even though I regularly have responsibility for her care, I have no authority to make decisions about it.

I love her but obviously don’t have the same connection with her as her birth parents do. This can also give rise to problems within our own relationship. I cannot be her mother, but would like to have a meaningful relationship with her.

I fear this will be more difficult when I have children of my own.

There don’t appear to be any supports out there for step-parents. What is your advice?

AI think you are right that it is difficult to be a step-parent. Indeed when you describe having responsibility for your step-daughter without the authority, I would imagine that it strikes a chord with many other step-parents. But, while you are right to say that you will never be her mother, you are certainly a parent to her and you need her dad to recognise that.

I assume that the problems her behaviour give rise to in your relationship with her dad stem from disagreements with how to manage her or respond to her. This can only be handled by you and her dad talking regularly about how you each choose to parent. Make sure you let her dad know that you would like to share in the role of being a parent.

From what you have written, however, I sense that you are more concerned about how your step-daughter sees your role than how her dad sees your role. By resolving any disagreements between you and her dad you can feel more confident in how you subsequently develop your relationship with her.

You describe that your step-daughter has behavioural problems. It is probably very easy to write her off as a “bold girl”, and this means that you and her dad are quite likely to get into lots of power and control type interactions with her.

These are the kinds of interactions where you end up setting limits, which she consistently will overstep, meaning that you have to put in place consequences (punishments), and so a very negative cycle of interaction between you will continue.

It may be the case that she has always struggled with her behaviour, but it is more likely that her misbehaviour has intensified since her parents split up. Increased bad behaviour is really common from children who experience traumatic or stressful events such as parental separation. This is worth bearing in mind by you and her dad.

In line with what I have just said, I think her difficult behaviour is much more likely to be her way of trying to tell you, her dad and her mum (or indeed anyone who will take the time to listen) that she is distressed and not coping too well with the changed circumstances of her life.

This means that you (and her dad) need to look past her behaviour and try to help her translate what it might mean. She needs to learn a language to express her feelings rather than being left to act them out and being punished for that.

Also, it is helpful for you to recognise that adjusting to you being in her life was possibly quite hard for her, and this means that she might hold especially negative feelings towards you.

Perhaps, even, she sees you as taking her dad away from both her mum and herself. She could see you as a threat or a challenge to her own relationship with her dad.

This then is what I think you should focus on in your relationship with her. Empathise with what you can guess might have been difficult for her with her parents’ separation and her father’s new relationship with you. By speaking to her in an empathetic way, you teach her that new language of feelings.

Let her know that you understand that adjusting to all the change can be quite hard. You will be amazed by how this can improve your connection to her. She will really know that you care about her.

As your relationship with her builds in this understanding way, I think you will find it much easier to deal with her behaviour (which should be less intense anyway) and to act as a responsible adult who makes decisions on her behalf to keep her safe and on the right track. She will also find it much easier to accept your authority if she feels that you understand her and care about her.

It could also be a very beneficial thing for her to have you as an advocate or a confidante in situations where she may feel very stuck between her parents.

Indeed, the more you build up your relationship with her, the less threatened she will feel and the more inclusive you will feel if you do go on to have children with her dad.

• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.

• E-mail questions to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com