Richie Sadlier’s guide to sex and relationships for teenage boys

I was 10 when I was in my first relationship. We kissed once, and I honestly didn’t have a clue what I was at. I remember knowing you were meant to do something particularly impressive with your tongue, so I think I just closed my eyes and launched my mouth in the general direction of her face and hoped for the best. It all happened in front of about six of our friends cheering us on in the wonderfully romantic setting of the church car park. It was over two years before I did anything like that again.

I was 18 before I lost my virginity, but I stupidly didn’t use a condom and was too drunk to remember much of it. My first ‘love’ was when I was 18, but unfortunately her feelings weren’t the same as mine and we didn’t last long (she cheated on me with one of my teammates!).

I really hope your own first experiences go a little better than all of mine.

It’s worth pointing out that there is no ‘normal’ age for people to have their first experiences in this area, but it’s also perfectly natural to want to have sexual experiences in your mid-to-late teens. However, just like any activity that involves interactions with other people, you’ve got to keep in mind how your behaviour affects them.

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Sexting
You are part of one of the first generations of teenagers who can sext each other. If something comes into your head that you'd like to say or send to someone, you can act on it straight away, which I'm sure you know can be both a good and bad thing!

When it comes to a picture in which you are nude or partially nude, you really need to think about things very carefully before sending it to anyone. Once you press send, you have zero control over where it will then go.

Ask yourself:
- If you and your partner broke up in the near future, how comfortable would you be about them having images of you?

- If you are completely comfortable sending it. If you’re not, trust your instinct and don’t send it.

- If you’re being pressured into sending it against your will, you’re dealing with the kind of person who you certainly shouldn’t trust with nude images of yourself.

- How would you feel if your parents, teachers, friends or siblings ended up seeing the image?

- Are you identifiable?

- How well do you know the person you’re sending it to? Do you trust them? Do you know if they have inappropriately shared images of anyone else?

- How do you know the image isn’t going to be used to blackmail you?

- If you’re sending it to someone online, what proof do you have that it’s not a fake profile?

When receiving a nude image of someone else, treat it with the same level of protection and security that you’d treat a picture of yourself.

Healthy relationships
A healthy relationship is one where both people matter. It doesn't mean being happy all the time. It doesn't mean you never disagree or break up. It doesn't mean living happily ever after together, either. A healthy relationship is one where both people matter.

It’s where both people feel like their voices are heard, their opinions matter and their preferences are taken into account. A healthy relationship is one where both people can talk, hear and negotiate with care and respect.

You learn the most about relationships from having real-life experiences of your own. I could try to explain heartbreak, for example, but you’ll only truly understand it when you go through it. I could talk about how great it is to be in love, but if you’ve never experienced it yourself you mightn’t fully get it.

However, there are some things you can learn without having to wait to experience them for yourself. When I ask lads in schools to describe healthy relationships, the most common replies I get are descriptions of behaviour that shows that things are really unhealthy.

In other words, they list off ways that people shouldn’t treat one another or give examples of situations that are going badly wrong. It’s usually things they’ve experienced when they were in relationships themselves or things they’ve seen or heard about from others. Here are the most common answers they’d give to describe scenarios where things have gotten unhealthy between a couple.

- If one person knows the other is being unfaithful, but likes them too much to break up.

- If one person is constantly controlling or criticising the other one.

- If one person insists on going through the other person’s phone to keep tabs on them.

- If one person is just using the other for sex but the other person thinks it’s more serious.

- If one person doesn’t trust the other to go on a night out without them being there.

Learn to notice the different red flags that can appear at various points in a relationship.

Break-ups
It may surprise you to realise that break-ups don't have to be upsetting. You have no control over how your (ex-)partner is going to handle it, but here's how to play your part in the break-up being healthy.

Do If you have made the decision to break up, say it to your partner's face, in a place that's private. It's okay to say your feelings have changed if that's the truth. You just have to be honest and, ideally, thoughtful. If your partner is the one who wants to end it, you have to accept their decision.

Don't Break up with someone on social media. Don't hook up with someone in front of them just so they'll break up with you (my mate once did this!). Don't keep messaging them if they've asked you not to. Don't post snotty remarks about them online. In summary, don't act in a way that spoils everything you ever had between you.

Nobody gets this right every time, but going into every break-up with the intention of doing things in a healthy way is the best approach.

Consent

What is consent?
Put simply, consent is present in any sexual encounter when the people involved are willingly participating and fully informed. In other words, when everyone is happy to take part and understands what is happening.

Consent is about agreement. It’s about jointly deciding on doing something together. It doesn’t matter what it is, who suggests it, or how it’s phrased, consent is achieved if you both agree to do it together. Remember, the simplest and most effective way to let someone know how you feel about something is to tell them. The easiest and most accurate way to know how your partner feels is to ask them.

If you and your partner get this bit right, and you can both talk openly about what you enjoy, then you will massively increase your chances of having better experiences. In other words, the more you communicate with one another, the better the sex will be!

Throughout your whole life, in fact, you’ve gradually realised that an important aspect of growing up is learning to accept and respect boundaries. In other words, you don’t get to do something just because you want to do it. While it’s often tough to hear this, and it can be hard to accept sometimes, it’s crucially important knowledge to bring with you into relationships.

And I’m not just talking about times when you’re being sexual or intimate with partners. Before I get to the sex side of things, I’ll mention a really obvious example of what I mean. If you want to see a certain film in the cinema, and your partner wants to see something else, you’ve got some talking to do. Unless you’re both happy to go separately and alone to see each film - not everyone’s idea of a fun date! - you need to work things out between you. Whatever you end up doing together, it’s pretty clear that you both need to agree.

It’s not reasonable to insist someone sees a film against their will, and it’s not fair (or legal!) to force them to see it either. If you can’t agree which film to see together, you’ll have to go your separate ways or else come up with another plan for the evening ahead.

Consent and the law
If you didn't already know, the age of consent in Ireland is 17. This is the legal age at which people are seen as mature enough to consent to sex. If someone older than 17 is sexually involved with someone below that age, a law has been broken. Now, you might turn around and ask why a 17-year-old is deemed to know significantly more than a 16-year-old, for example, but every society needs to choose where they draw the line on this.

The law is there to protect younger people. This is one area where you need to know the law, because if you are 17 or older and you have penetrative sex with someone below the age of 17, you could face prosecution.

You can be a victim of this crime too. If a man penetrates you before you reach that age, he can be charged with what is commonly referred to as statutory rape. If a woman engages in sexual activity with you before you turn 17, she can be charged with sexual assault.

Don’t be a dick!

When it comes to sex and relationships, the more experience we get, the better we’re all able to tell the difference between right and wrong behaviour. I cringe at some of the things I said when I was a teenager, but like most people, I learned from experience along the way. In other words, I got better at relationships the more practice I got.

The section is about the stuff that’s never okay, regardless of your age. The stuff that everyone should know is bang out of order. Only a small minority of lads are complete dicks to other people, but these points are especially for them.

- If you grope someone or touch any part of their body without their consent, you’re a dick!

- If you shout sexual things at anyone as they jog past in the park, for example, you’re a dick!

- If your behaviour makes someone else feel sexually threatened or unsafe, you’re a dick!

- If you ignore your partner when they say they want to stop during any kind of sexual activity, you’re a dick!

- If you share sexually explicit footage of you and your partner without their consent, you’re a dick!

- If you send nude images to someone without knowing in advance that they want to receive them, you’re a dick!

- If you share any nude or partially nude images of another person without their consent, you’re a dick!

- If you take advantage of someone who is really drunk and unable to properly consent to sexual behaviour, you’re a dick!

- If you make a recording of you and your partner being intimate with one another without their consent, you’re a dick!

- If you think any of the behaviour on this list is acceptable and that I’m wrong to call it out, you’re a complete dick!

If you are aware of anyone in your life who thinks it’s okay to act in any of these ways, you would be doing them a huge favour by trying to ensure they never do.

In a nutshell

And for yourself, in a nutshell, remember three things when you’re with someone sexually.

First, check in with yourself on how it feels for you. Am I okay with this? Second, check in with your partner on how it feels for them. Are you sure you’re up for this? If your partner consents, then proceed. If they don’t, then STOP: don’t ignore them, or try to convince them, or harass them ... just stop. Third, if it doesn’t feel okay for you, speak up. If you’re being ignored, remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible because what is happening between you is sexual assault.

Hopefully some of the above saves you the hassle of having to make mistakes in order to learn.

This is an edited extract from Let’s Talk … about relationships, sex and intimacy, by Richie Sadlier, published by Gill Books