‘My partner has a hateful secret online life’

Dear Roe,

My partner and I seemed to have a normal life. We live together, and he seems very caring, affectionate and thoughtful and appears to place a great premium on my happiness.

He loves video-gaming, but it never came between us because everyone needs an outlet. I really thought our lives couldn't be more stable.

However, I was using his laptop (with his permission) to print some documents for work and discovered that he has had a secret online life as a member of several hateful chat groups. This discovery was as shocking as it was unintentional, as he had left the website open in Google Chrome.

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It now seems that the man I love shares several vile opinions regarding women, immigrants, LGBT people and people who support them. And when I thought he was gaming, he was in fact discussing his hateful ideology with anonymous people online.

As a bisexual woman of colour, I can’t help but take this to heart. I feel utterly betrayed and repulsed, and don’t know how I can confront him about it. I can’t imagine how I can continue sharing this living space with him with the attending expectations of trust and intimacy.

When writing columns I always write with the awareness that I can never know the whole reality of someone’s relationship from a brief letter from only one side of the dynamic. I also know that if someone writes in to an advice column, it’s because they are somewhat torn on what do.

Are they over-reacting, should they stay, should they go, should they try to resolve the issues that have come up? In most cases I will try to accommodate all of those conflicting emotions, addressing what a problem indicates, acknowledging the reasons why a relationship might no longer work, but advising how couples who are determined to stay together could try to deal with the problems they are facing.

I can’t do that this time. You have to leave. There is no other option. Your partner does not view you as a human being. You cannot stay.

Your partner spends his free time dehumanising women, immigrants, LGBT people. You are a bisexual woman of colour. Your partner spends his free time dehumanising you. You cannot stay.

Your partner is not only dehumanising marginalised people in his mind, but actively seeks out the company and correspondence of other people with similarly disgusting, bigoted views, so that he can feel justified doing so.

His attitudes aren’t the subconscious views of someone who has been unwittingly, unknowingly influenced by bigoted media rhetoric and could, with effort and education, unlearn these prejudices and become a great, empathetic person. He knows that he holds hateful views. He actively engages with them, indulges them, shares them, seeks out confirmation that he is correct.

This is how he chooses to spend his free time, when you thought he was playing video games. He has chosen to dehumanise people as his form of entertainment, of relaxation. He enjoys it.

Every day, your boyfriend faces a choice to be an empathic person who believes in the equality and humanity of others or to be a racist, homophobic, misogynist. And every day he chooses the latter. His hate is not passive or unintentional. It is a continuous, knowing act.

And your partner, through his participation in these hate groups, is perpetuating and spreading the hate of others. He is contributing to and escalating a culture of misogyny, racism, homophobia and transphobia. He is fuelling the hate of others. Hate that is an emotional, cultural and physical threat to marginalised people.

Including yourself. You say you have a good relationship. What happens if he changes his mind? What happens if you do something that he believes fulfils the hate-filled stereotypes he believes in and perpetuates? Will his online dehumanisation manifest in real life? Will he lash out, emotionally or physically?

You cannot be complicit in your own dehumanisation. You cannot stay

If someone does not view you or people like you as real people to be treated equally and with respect, you cannot feel safe with them. You may only be escaping the effects of his hatred because, so far, he’s getting what he wants out of this relationship. What happens if that changes?

Maybe you’re sure that he would never physically act on these views he expresses online. But what about the other members of these hate groups? Are you sure that none of them will ever inflict hatred or violence on women, LGBTQ people, people of colour or immigrants?

You can’t be sure. Your partner can’t be sure. He doesn’t know if the bigotry held by the other members of these groups is theoretical or violently enacted – yet he supports it. He encourages it. He enables it. He emboldens it.

If any of the other members of these hate groups do inflict violence on another person because of their bigoted, dehumanising views, your boyfriend was morally complicit. He let them know that he thought their disgust towards another human being was warranted, and their actions justified.

By staying with him you would be enacting another form of enabling. You’re letting him know that even though he spends his time spreading hatred about other people, people with less privilege than he enjoys, people like you – that he still gets to be with you. You’re letting him know that you believe he has the right to dehumanise you.

You cannot be complicit in your own dehumanisation. You cannot stay.

Find somewhere safe to go, find someone to physically be there when you tell your boyfriend you are leaving, and go. Keep yourself as safe as possible. But go. Now.