Question
I have a long-standing friendship with someone who I thought I could trust completely.
However, I have discovered that this person has been talking to my spouse behind my back and saying things about me that are completely untrue. They implied to my spouse that I was seeing other people, which was a complete lie. In addition, they have been manipulating another friend to see me as a threat to their relationship also.
I am so hurt by this and don’t know what to do about it. I know my spouse is now a bit disgusted by this so-called friend and suggested that we no longer have anything to do with them. I am inclined to agree due to the breach of trust, but I am struggling to know why they did it. Is it some kind of weird control thing or did they just want to break up our relationship? If so, why?
It is so upsetting. I really want to tackle them about it, but at the moment I don’t want to see this person at all. Why would someone do such a thing, all the while pretending to be my close friend to my face? They seemed to think my spouse would believe it all, but we have a strong marriage and are totally honest with each other.
How do I get over this hurt I feel?
Answer
The hurt we can feel when betrayed by a friend is akin to that we feel on the breakup of a romantic relationship. We do not easily offer complete trust to another human being, but true friendship requires this, so we make ourselves very vulnerable on the assumption that our judgment of the friend is sound and that they are worth the risk.
You clearly had excellent judgment with your spouse and therefore you expected this same capacity to work with your long-standing friendship, but either something has changed or it took a long time for the defects to surface. Your question of how to get over the hurt is, of course, a tough one – it is much easier to let go of something once you fully understand all the circumstances and, in this situation, you remain in the dark.
The emotional turmoil that you currently feel may not lend itself to clear thinking or rational comprehension, so perhaps deal with your own emotional ground before considering making contact with your ex-friend. When we feel hurt or betrayed, the first thing we need is comfort and safety, and this often comes in the form of good human contact; being held by those we love, retreating into our homes or zones of security and surrounding ourselves with familiar, trustworthy relationships.
[ My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leaveOpens in new window ]
When our panic or threat response dies down sufficiently, we can then engage in questioning or curiosity around what has happened and begin to find a path through the maze that led to this point. What can continue to do damage to ourselves is if we let our minds, and our self-talk, go endlessly round and round various imagined scenarios, and we can end up feeling very ashamed of our choices or possibly even have a sense of worthlessness that comes from such experience.
It is a good idea to allow time and space to think about the whole affair and for you to instruct yourself firmly to dwell upon this only at these set times and places. If your mind presents doubts and fears as you go through your day, tell yourself that you will deal with it at (say) 6pm, when you have put half an hour aside to focus on it.
It is not up to you to fix your ex-friend, but it would be helpful for you to see the situation as it really is
Your spouse might not be the right person for you to address this with as they are so much on your side – they may only want righteousness and justice for you – while you may need go do some unravelling first. Do you have another friend that you could think-out-loud with? Someone who won’t tell you how to feel but can hear you express what is going on without judgment?
As you hear yourself speak, you engage with your own wisdom, and you should hear what your needs are. You may simply need time to recover, or other things may surface that require some therapy or investigation. Giving yourself this time and space offers you a sense of self-worth, and from this point of confidence you may decide to reach out to your ex-friend for some explanation.
What you want in this instance is faith in your own good judgment, to trust in your ability to be insightful and know what you are dealing with. You may come to see that your ex-friend is in serious trouble or is full of jealousy or fear. What would be great is if you could respond with intelligence and acumen.
[ ‘I think my two friends – who are both married – are in love with each other’Opens in new window ]
It is not up to you to fix your ex-friend, but it would be helpful for you to see the situation as it really is, so that you do not blame yourself inappropriately. It is easier to let go the friendship if you have this understanding, but it is also possible to let it go by regaining trust in yourself, having compassion for your past choices and liking the fact that you are a person who trusts first rather than going to scepticism as the initial response.
You have evidence of successful trusting relationships in your life – lean into them now and know that you will heal and return to full confidence in time.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
