Dear Roe,
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and a half. We are both students in our mid-20s. We get on well, although I’ve started to feel a disconnect recently. We don’t have much to talk about and our time together only revolves around sex. I wonder if our relationship is on the trajectory to die out soon. I don’t want it to as he’s a great person and hasn’t done anything wrong otherwise. We just don’t seem as compatible as before. He might break it off before I do. Nothing major has happened, bar one outburst he had, where he was rude to me in front of my family. It was a once-off, he hasn’t acted like this before, but it took me a long time to get over, which I think made me resent him. I feel dishonest by not expressing how I feel. I feel like I can’t bring up small stuff because of how he might react, and I choose to just ignore it and minimise it instead. My friends think it’s bad what he did but I should get over it. I do sort of see myself with other people through rose-tinted glasses, but I wouldn’t want to start over again as I do have lots of love for him. It’s my first long-term relationship. What do I do?
Here’s the thing: I think you want to leave this man. I think you’re unhappy and unfulfilled and there’s a feeling in your gut screaming at you that there’s more to life and love than this, and deep down, you know that feeling is right. But I think you’re also scared – of hurting someone, of what it means to be someone who leaves a generally good person, of what it means to want more – and you’re scared that if you leave, you won’t find it, and that if you don’t, it will be proof from the universe that you wanted too much, that you were selfish to throw away a good man, that you were foolish and arrogant to believe yourself worthy of more, and that you’ll end up alone. I think you’re scared, but you still want to leave – and that’s why you’ve written in with a long list of reasons and justifications for why you are currently unhappy and why you might want to leave. You’re hoping that I will back you up on all of them and say “Yes, go” – because you believe you need my permission – for an outsider to look at your situation and tell you that you’re making the right choice, because you don’t trust yourself enough to believe your own desire.
And hey, I’ll do what you want. I will back you up on all of your reasons. I don’t think any of them are small or insignificant. The disconnect you’re feeling, the lull in conversations, the sole focus on sex, all point to a relationship where the intellectual and emotional connection is not enough for you. His outburst of rudeness is already questionable, but it also seems like there wasn’t enough acknowledgment and repair of the incident afterwards, which is why it feels unresolved for you and why you keep returning to it. I’m guessing that if you had seen him reflect on his behaviour and the impact it had on you, genuinely apologise, promise to do better, and live up that promise, the event would feel more like a bad blip than an alarm bell that is still blaring. His inability to adequately address his behaviour, his minimising of your feelings, and the eggshell-walking you have to do to keep him comfortable while you feel anxious and unsteady, all point to a relationship where you will constantly be expected to shrink your needs. All of those are very legitimate reasons to want to end a relationship. I support them all.
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But here’s the truth: you don’t actually need a “legitimate reason”. You don’t need my permission, or an outsider’s perspective. You don’t need to justify your desire to leave. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to be an irredeemable person for you to leave, you don’t have to hate him completely to leave – and nor do you have to utterly exhaust yourself trying to make this relationship work for you before you finally let yourself leave.
You don’t need to justify anything. You can just trust yourself, and respect your desire for more, and leave because you want more and there’s an entire world out there to explore as you try find it.
Leaving isn’t an indictment of you or evidence that you didn’t try hard enough or that you weren’t loving enough or that your needs are too much. Nor is it an indictment of his entire character or evidence that he’s not worthy of love or a sign that the flaws he displayed in this relationship preclude him from ever having a loving relationship in the future. Leaving is not a verdict on either of you, it is simply deciding that this particular relationship is no longer working for you at this point in your life – and that’s okay.
[ After seven years, I’m afraid my boyfriend won’t ever proposeOpens in new window ]
Loving people break up with their partners every day, and great people get broken up with every day. Because a relationship ending is not a failure or a character evaluation, it’s just life. And it’s also the right thing: no one should be in a relationship they’re not enthusiastic about any more, and no one should be in a relationship with someone who isn’t enthusiastic about being with them. Ending a relationship that isn’t working gives both people the opportunity to find something better, to love better, to learn different lessons, to grow, to move in the direction of their life. Staying in a relationship that isn’t working is keeping both people stuck in unfulfillment and resentment, and it’s limiting the type and amount of love they will get to experience in this lifetime. Don’t do that to yourself, and don’t do that to him. Free both of you for something better.
I know this might not mean that much to you, but you’re so young. You have so much ahead of you. Don’t keep yourself stuck now. Thank this man for the experiences you have had and the lessons you have learned – because you have learned a lot. You have learned what it means to commit to someone, you have learned about your needs and desires in a relationship, you have learned what’s important to you, and by leaving you will have learned that you get to trust yourself. Leave this man, go have some adventures, explore more connections, fall in love again, maybe more than once – and learn from it all. Stop trying to satisfy yourself with a relationship that you know is not fulfilling you. Become greedy for the rest of your life and go get it. Listen to your own voice, and follow it.
