With sensible news set to make a return, take a moment to enjoy again the non-stories that lit up the silly season
IT’S LATE SUMMER, the politicians are on holiday, the bankers and property developers are lying low, and news editors are wringing their hands, wondering how on earth they’re going to fill all those empty column inches. Suddenly, a video appears on YouTube of a woman strolling along a quiet suburban street. She stops to pet a cat – and then drops the moggie into a wheelie bin.
Bingo! With one deft movement Mary Bale saved the world’s media from the doldrums and gave us a classic summer story for us to get our claws into.
Now that the silly season is officially over, we’ll miss those non-stories that exercised our minds during the hols. From now until next July only sensible stories will make it into print: no more frivolities about dogs gnawing off their masters’ toes, foxes attacking babies or the unmasking of the Stig.
Oh, well, it was good while it lasted. So let’s hear it for the best silly-season stories of 2010.
10 Ghost granniesWant to live to be 125? Don't go to Japan. The country was supposedly crammed with centenarians, but when the authorities tried to contact some of them to congratulate them on their longevity, they couldn't be found, and neither could their already-cashed pension payments.
9 The daredevil donkeyIt's a bird, it's a priest, it's a small boy trapped inside a balloon . . . No, actually, this time around it's a donkey, strapped to a parasail and set aloft to advertise something or other in Russia; we can't remember what. All we recall is the donkey's terrified braying as it floated high above the ground. (Okay, we couldn't actually hear the braying, but we could feel Neddy's fear.)
8 The Bristol nuptialsLevi Johnson had the bad timing to get his girlfriend Bristol Palin pregnant just as her mother was campaigning for the US vice-presidency. When mom-in-law was defeated, a relieved Johnson scooted off, avoiding a shotgun wedding. This summer the couple were back together, announcing their re-engagement on the cover of Us Weekly magazine, in a move nicely timed to upstage the wedding of Hillary Clinton's daughter, Chelsea.
7 Mosque ZeroWhat's that you say? Muslims are planning to build a mosque right smack in the middle of Ground Zero? On the very spot where the twin towers stood? Quick, fetch the placards. Oh, wait, it's not actually going to be on Ground Zero; it's going to be near Ground Zero. But for right-wingers and Sarah Palin, the site of the planned mosque was still too close for comfort.
6 The Cameron addition"To us a child is born," announced David Cameron and his wife, Samantha, to a grateful media. And before she'd been burped, Florence Rose Endellion Cameron became the golden child, as TV and newspapers cooed over Britain's first family.
5 LiLo goes downNo one has seen her movies; no one has heard her CDs; no one could pick her out in a fashion shoot. But everyone – I mean everyone – has followed the sorry saga of Lindsay Lohan's jailing for 90 days for violating her probation. She only served 22 days, but then what's the point in keeping LiLo in jail after silly season ends?
4 The Croker smokerHe's been blamed for the collapse of the economy; he's been vilified for propping up Anglo Irish; but that's nothing compared to the opprobrium heaped on the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, when he dared to light up in a smoke-free area at Croke Park.
3 The Auto-tune affairViewers of The X Factorwere shocked to hear that contestants on the popular talent show were being "enhanced" by Auto-tune software. Didn't the programme-makers realise that the main joy of The X Factoris hearing all those tuneless wannabes mangling the classics? Happily, the auditions in Dublin featured no sonic jiggery-pokery, just good, honest, off-key, God-awful singing. Encore!
2 The octopus oracleForget the pundits and the astrologers: if you wanted to get the lowdown on this year's World Cup, you just had to ask Paul the psychic octopus, who, for a few short, glorious weeks, became the aquatic oracle of all things football-related. Funnily enough, he had nothing to say about Ireland's chances of qualifying for World Cup 2014.
1 Puss in bin"It was only a cat," pleaded Mary Bale after her "moment of madness" generated more YouTube hits than SuBo and Crystal Swing combined. No, Mary, it was so much more than that. It was pure guerrilla street art, the purrfect way to close a great silly season of non-stories.
