Miriam Lord: Denizens of Leinster House suffer bout of DTs

Trump will build that wall and ensure Healy-Raes never get across the border

Trump has triumphed.

What next for the Narrow-mouthed Whorl Snail?

The most powerful celebrity in the world will be able to do what he likes now in those deep sand dunes in Doonbeg. How will women resist his presidential bouffant?

But the fate of the rare and protected Narrow-mouthed Whorl Snail, which thrives in the special habitat beside Trump’s golf course, must surely hang in the balance.

Will the authorities dare refuse the president of the United States permission to build his protective sea wall at the resort? At the soonest opportunity, the new master of the White House will be trying to erect it as bigly as possible.

“Build the Wall!” “Build the Wall!”

It will stop the Atlantic Ocean from washing away the greens and provide a handy out for President Trump when he starts getting stick for not keeping to his promise to put a barrier between the US and Mexico.

“I built the wall. I did. I built it. It’s a tremendous wall between county Clare and county Kerry. Tremendous. Those Healy-Raes will never get across the border. I built the wall. I did.”

Sleep deprived

Leinster House, like the rest of the country and the rest of the world, struggled on Wednesday to come to terms with the odious huckster’s stunning victory over

Hillary Clinton


America had spoken.

They are where they are.

But where does that leave us?

Shocked and sleep deprived, first off.

A lot of people stayed up most of the night to watch the results unfold; initially optimistic, gradually despairing and then slow to sleep.

By morning, as politicians and staff arrived for work, it seemed everyone in the building was suffering from a severe bout of the DTs. (Rapid onset of confusion caused by withdrawal from a naive notion that Donald Trump would never be handed the keys to the Oval Office.)

That old joke about what the comedian said was now reworked for The Dawn of The Donald. And it really wasn’t funny.

“When I told people I was going to be president of the United States, they laughed. They’re not laughing now.”

But that’s the Yanks for you. They are where they are.

As for us? Scrambling to get alongside.

This does not apply to all those people who were highly indignant when the Taoiseach issued a statement on behalf of the Government “and the people of Ireland”, congratulating Trump on his new job.

Having endured his deeply offensive election campaign, they wanted no part in sending good wishes to the man who coarsened public discourse by insulting women, stoking racial tension and lying his way through an astonishingly personal and vicious contest.

But in the Dáil and the Seanad, most TDs and Senators held their noses, accepted the result and got on with the business of keeping America sweet.

As the never-ending analysis was cranked out all day, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern waded in on the wireless with his tuppence ha’penny, saying we have to start schmoozing the new president as soon as possible. “I think from our point of view, we need to have a bit of a love-in with his people very quickly.”

This was too much for Ruth Coppinger of the AAA-PBP to endure.

“Bertie Ahern has told us we should have a love-in with a man who is a racist, a misogynist, a homophobe and many other things besides. Rather than sending congratulations to Donald Trump, this parliament and the people of this country would prefer if we sent sympathy and support to every single person of colour, every immigrant, every LGBT person, every Muslim and, of course, every woman in America who is in danger of Donald Trump acting out some of his policies” she told the Dáil.

“Democracy! Democracy!” shouted Government politicians as she blasted America’s choice.

It wasn’t so long ago when the Taoiseach was criticising the new president, saying that “when you got to meet Donald Trump face-to-face you would tell him that he had racist views and that he was a racist”.

When might he get a chance to tell him? Because from what she was hearing in the Dáil, “the leaders of the three biggest parties in this parliament are sending congratulations to Donald Trump when all three of them raised huge problems with things he said in the very recent past”.

Enda Kenny brushed off her comments, along with his own comments and the offensive comments which he criticised before the summer.

Trump said what he said “in the heat of the battle of a primary election”. His acceptance speech was very conciliatory and Enda was much encouraged by what he had to say.

“We will put in a request for an opportunity to speak to the president-elect,” he told the House, also confirming he had already formally written to the president- and vice-president-elect (Pence, now there’s a man with some antediluvian beliefs) on the nation’s behalf. He also mentioned issues of importance, such as the peace process and Irish people working illegally in the US.

On election night, Trump looked in shock when he suddenly began to realise that he had actually won. On the day after, presumably still reeling, the receipt of that letter from Enda will have brought the enormity of his achievement home to him.

“A letter from the Irish Taoiseach! Believe me, it’s true! I gotta make sure to bring the Tic-Tacs when Edna Kenny visits. I hear she’s a strawberry blonde. This presidential shit rocks!”

Terry Leyden led the tributes in the shameless Seanad, where some Senators immediately took out the begging bowl in the hope that Trump might send some jobs and official visits Ireland's way.

"I share in the congratulations to Donald Trump on his success in becoming president of the United States of America and to his vice-president-elect, Mike Pence, governor of Indiana, who has connections in Sligo and Clare." He proposed they send congratulations from the Upper House and hope the Taoiseach would present shamrock from the Trump golf course to him in March.

Ivana Bacik didn't agree with him. "It's not appropriate."

“You’re a bad loser,” retorted Terry.

Spike Island

Former Fine Gael TD Ray Butler also sent his good wishes. “The media and the polls got it wrong. People laughed on national radio about Mr Trump and his carry-on but there is a lot of egg on a lot of people’s faces. I would like us to open up Spike Island for all the celebrities who supported the Clintons and said they would leave America. We might have a bit of room for them down there because many of them were going to leave if Mr Trump became president.”

Michelle Mulherin joined in the congrats. Trump has given a voice to an “anti-establishment feeling” among voters, she said. “His victory also reflects people’s apathy to political correctness. Many people feel it is fake... I agree and there is something to be learned from this.”

Trump as an antidote to political correctness? Really?

Enda hopes Trump will rise to the occasion. “Democracy requires that responsibility brings realism.”

But we fear the Narrow-mouthed Whorl Snail of Doonbeg is goosed.