A PERPLEXED mother wrote to an agony aunt in a British newspaper recently, seeking advice as to whether she should force her shy daughter to go away on a school trip for her own good. The agony aunt discussed the pros and cons of the situation and came to the conclusion that there was plenty of time for the 11 year old girl to learn about the world outside and, if she preferred to stay at home with Mummy for now, she should not be pushed.
I thought about that British mother this week when the 10 year old son of one of my Russian friends slipped on the melting ice in Moscow and was concussed. We took him to the Filatov Children's Hospital where a stern nurse immediately marched into a ward with about 20 other boys. "Come and pick him up in a week," she barked. His father nodded meekly and left the lad, who did not cry but just waved sadly as if he was going into the army.
"Can't you visit him asked shocked. "Oh no, it's not allowed," he said, accepting what had happened as normal.
Towards the end of the week, we did manage to smuggle a bar of chocolate to the boy through a more sympathetic nurse. She also let us look at him through a window and his father held up a cardboard sign on which he had written "I am coming for you tomorrow."
These two cases speak volumes about the difference between western and Russian mentality. Despite the erosion of traditional, Christian values, the family remains the most important unit in western society and the wishes of the individual are taken into account wherever possible.
In Russia, despite the transition to democracy and capitalism, collective habits persist. A Russian parent calmly hands a child over to the hospital authorities because Big Brother still knows, better than mother and father and Big Brother is certainly wiser than the egoistical individual.
The collective mentality has its, roots deep in Russian history. After all it was only in the middle of the last century that the majority of Russians were freed from serfdom or slavery. The Russian language lacks a word for "individual". You can say chelovek! (person) or licknost (personality), but if you wish to speak of an individual as distinct from society, you are reduced to borrowing the Latin word individuum.
Architecture is very revealing. The spires of Gothic cathedrals in the west rise up to Heaven, symbolising the soul reaching up to God. The Russian Orthodox churches are squat buildings topped by rounded cupolas. In Russia, salvation is only to be obtained in a huddled mass.
It was no coincidence that communism lasted for over 70 years here. In other eastern European countries, such as Poland and the Czech Republic, communism wash an alien ideology imposed from outside and the people threw it off at the first opportunity. But although the Soviet people suffered terribly from the abuses of Stalin, communism had grown naturally a their soil and to some extent it was a system that suited them. To this day millions of Russians disillusioned with market reform, support the Communist Party.
The extreme expressions of collective thinking, such as small children sitting in rows on their potties at kindergarten or flag waving youths marching through Red Square, may have gone with the Communist one party state, but Russians still live and act together in ways which often seem stifling to westerners.
This week, for example, I went swimming still wearing my muddy boots and made the mistake of stepping over the line where you are supposed to change into your flip flops. Not only did the cleaning woman tell me off, which I deserved, but a whole chorus of women in the changing room began shouting at me which, despite my long residence in Russia, still felt like rude interference in my private affairs.
Or to give another example, my brother married a Russian woman at the weekend at a Palace of Weddings where the couples queued up for the short ceremony. A total of eight brides preened themselves in the ladies toilet happy to share this intimate moment in their lives with strangers.
Westerners may feel their personal space being invaded here but most Russians simply have no choice but to live in public. Although self contained flats are now increasingly available, many Russians still live in communal apartments where several families share a common kitchen, toilet and bathroom.
Even if they have their wan flats, they are unlikely to have a whole room to themselves. It is common for children or adults of, the same sex to share not only a bedroom but a bed. Privacy is an alien concept again, there is no word for it in Russian. The nearest approximations would be uedinenie, which means separation, and taina meaning secrecy.
"We envy you your privacy," said Alexei, the man whose child had to go into hospital. "We have to find our space within ourselves, but living closely together has its compensations too. We can visit each other at any time of the day or night and ask to borrow sugar, or vodka or money. It's a cozy way of life, which is why Russians, when they go to the west, often get homesick. They feel so lonely, over there."