The Problem
Phyllis and her husband John are separating. She says if she could just walk away and get on with her life things would be easy. But because they have three young children whom they each love greatly there are, of course, many more problems. Phyllis and John have fought over every aspect of this separation; their families are also hostile to each other, so they have no loving, helpful support in terms of grannies or extended family. Does anyone know, Phyllis wonders, how to hand your children over to someone you would prefer never to see again, and in a civil manner that will not upset the youngsters still further? She admits it will be equally hard for John to see them returning to her when his access is over. The thought of years of this ahead is very depressing, since at best it will involve - for the sake of the children - a pretended friendship which they know they do not feel. She wonders if anyone out there has tried this mediation business and if there's any chance it works.
I go to an up-market fish and chipper in London regularly. Every Saturday you see divorced fathers taking their children there. As the tables are fairly near each other, you can't help hearing the conversations. Like the father who asked if Mummy had any new friends recently, and if that friend ever stayed overnight. The children innocently told him everything. Mummy had a new friend who was very nice and who came round every evening, but who didn't stay every night. His face became grimmer and grimmer as he listened.
At another table, children told their father about a television programme they watched. "Surely she doesn't let you stay up as late as that?" he cried.
But it's not only the men who are using the children as frontline infantry in a war that is far from over. I know a woman who asks the children, every time they go out with Daddy, to ask him what kind of restaurants he goes to now, and where is he spending his holidays, and how much his jacket cost. She makes it into a little game of "see how much can be found out". Another woman, desperate to know if her husband's girlfriend was resident, asked the children to tell her what Daddy had in his medicine cupboard. . .
So all right, these are very self-centred people who are putting their own selfish, unfinished business before the wellbeing of their children. But maybe these are only disturbed adults who have not been able to move on - poor and oversimplified examples of how parents cope with the biggest crisis in their children's lives: the break-up of the home. Maybe it is easy to be Mr and Mrs Nice Guy over all this. Possibly it's a piece of cake to smile at an ex-spouse who competes to have the greater share of the children's affection and love. Perhaps you think the great majority of separated people are dignified, positive and generous. Well, if the country is full of people who find it easy to handle, they certainly didn't write in to "Help Phyllis".
Almost everyone who wrote said, quite simply, it was hell on wheels, but that it was something you had to do - smile and pretend, and hunt wildly for some area where things would not be contentious. One couple even went as far as to learn a new skill - in their case surfing the Net - something they could talk about in an amicable way in front of the children. They were unlikely to have a blazing row about websites or searchengines and the children felt this conversation carried no emotional baggage and were genuinely able to relax with them.
In the main, there was a lot of advice about handing the children over willingly to the other spouse and always pausing to talk pleasantly, if briefly, rather than refusing to face each other. People suggested that if there was any praise to be given to the children about an exam passed, a sporting triumph, or some marvellous help in the home, then this was a good occasion to mention it - at hand-over time, when parents could be united in their admiration.
Women advised Phyllis to do something special on the days they go out with John, rather than sitting at home brooding and getting up a head of resentful steam about it all. My marvellous 14-year-old team of advisers in Tullamore, Co Offaly, wrote again with insights, one being that if Phyllis and John are getting divorced or separated, then they should do it quickly rather than hanging about and unsettling the children even more. Anyone who tried mediation said it certainly worked if both of you went and took it seriously. But one man said it wasn't a starter, because if you were the kind of people who were reasonable enough to sit down and work it out with mediators, then you were reasonable enough to sort it out for yourselves at the kitchen table.
My Advice
I think Phyllis and John should sit down together in some public place, such as a cafe or a bar, where they can't fight or shout at each other, and read the six pamphlets of the Family Mediation Service. It won't take long and there are many reasons why they should use this service. It's not going to try to get them back together, it accepts they will part, so they needn't think anyone is going to urge them to try again. They both have to go together, so there's no danger it will be pro-Phyllis or pro-John. It's nothing to do with any religion or pressure group, it was set up through the Department of Social, Community and Family Affairs simply because there are so many people like Phyllis and John who need dispassionate help.
It's not going to cost huge fees: in fact, it's free. They don't have to come to the capital - Phyllis and John don't live there - there's a Family Mediation Service in Cork, Galway and Limerick, as well as Dublin.
In cases such as this, it would start with a Parenting Plan, where they work out a structure to which they both have to agree. The mediator, who has heard it all before a hundred times, will probably be able to foresee each point that is raised, but is trained to wait and worry it through so nothing goes into the plan without both sides agreeing. The point of it all is to create less aggro in a world that is already confrontational. If Phyllis and John do all this through lawyers then obviously each lawyer must fight to get the best deal for the client which has to mean confrontation. If they talk calmly in front of someone who is not in either corner, then the whole thing has a better chance of getting off the ground.
In fact doctors, lawyers, judges and counsellors are all meant to tell separating couples about this service, but it's often glossed over. The way I look at it is that it wouldn't be there with State money unless it was badly needed.
In my youth there was nothing like it because people were meant to get over the fact they had made a mistake. It may not be much consolation to Phyllis, but she is in a far better position than her grandmother might have been, in that she doesn't have to share a home with John until one of them dies. In today's world they can live separate and hopefully happy lives from now on.
In any case, there is help out there if she believes this is not some moralising marriage guidance offered by the celibate, but a series of practical suggestions - such as how to tell the children about the separation, since they will remember always the way their parents broke the news. Phyllis and John will learn the importance of telling children they are still a family, but from now on one with two homes. Also vital to learn is that children often believe they are responsible, and that if they had been better-behaved their parents would have stayed together. This should be firmly denied, saying the separation was a purely adult decision and one they are powerless to change. If this is said by both parents at the same time, it will have a far more settling effect than if recriminations and blame are hurled around the place.
I give Phyllis two bossy pieces of advice. Discuss it with John, then ring the Family Mediation Service (01 8728277). They will give you contact numbers in the other cities. Appointments usually last an hour and there are usually about two to six visits, depending on how much you have to sort out.
And the second piece of advice? Try to draw the families back into it all as support. Children need grannies, cousins, aunts and uncles. You could say you and John have fought all your battles now, the marriage is over, but you would both love them to be able to gather for functions: birthdays, first communions, whatever. Say it's to try to keep ritual and ceremony in the children's lives. After the first time, it won't be that bad. So good luck from many, many readers, and from myself.
Your Advice
Firstly, congratulations on taking the step of writing for advice. I have advice which won't help you in the slightest, but may make you look at things from a different perspective. I have a gorgeous two-year-old son who hasn't seen his father since he was a tiny baby. We broke up after I chose to keep my baby when he wanted me to have an abortion. He pays maintenance but doesn't come to see his son. I can't see this changing. What I can see is a five-year-old boy who will no doubt ask me where his father is and why he doesn't see him. The situation is similar to yours in that family hostility has played a big part in our problems with each other. You can waste a lot of energy hating a whole family when it's their son who is really the one you have the problem with. Knowing he doesn't want to see his son, our son, hurts more than anything. I would be grateful to even arrive at a stage of him having access. I know it would break my heart to see my child run to his father with open arms. However, first and foremost is our children's happiness. Remember this ogre we invest so much time in hating is someone we once loved. Without them, our child would be someone completely different.
I don't know about you, but I was lucky enough to grow up in the knowledge that my parents loved each other. That's a privilege our children won't have. They can, however, realise you don't hate each other.
Last, but not least, remember you have one less person to clean up after, make you doubt your own decisions, or mess up the bathroom. Most importantly, be nice to yourself and good luck.
A.M. - Galway
Dear Phyllis,
Why are you masking your own emotions by articulating the thoughts, feelings and concerns of all the family as you seem to perceive them?
Would you not consider yourself for a moment and the steps you take in order to facilitate your role in the separation process? You should benefit enormously from a few sessions with an experienced non-directive counsellor. Once you have sorted out your own emotions, you should find you are ready to play a more meaningful role in the separation process.
Of course you are concerned about your family and in particular your young son. Children inevitably suffer particularly during the time when their parents are engaged in separation negotiations. The trauma your young son could experience at this time can be minimised by ensuring you are ready to enter the separation negotiations process, possibly through mediation, as you desire.
Don't expect the first session or two with the mediator to be pleasant or even productive. You really will need to allow at least three or four sessions to see whether the process will assist in negotiating terms on which you will separate from your husband.
If you feel the mediator is not allowing you ample time to articulate your current and future needs, then state so clearly and firmly. You might also find a consultation with an experienced family law solicitor beneficial before embarking on the mediation process so you will have some indication of your entitlements during the course of the separation negotiations.
When you have completed five or six sessions with the mediator, you should have some idea whether the process has facilitated the separation negotiations. Assuming it has been successful, you might consider having a further session with the mediator attended by your children, so they are fully informed about the separation. If the extended families on both sides have still not grown up by then, why not invite them to a final session with the mediator so they can be informed officially about the decision to separate and in particular of your concern that they should foster, in the children and in particular in your five-year-old son, a love and respect for your husband and you.
Good luck in the future - it's only just beginning!
S. Bn Ui Ghrainne, Lois Cearbhaill, Mala, Co Chorcai
I'm afraid yes, only the famous time will make it feel better. In the meantime, how you act can make it seem better and this is the voice of experience speaking. Mediation isn't a cure-all and will only help if both of you are committed to it. So the question comes back to how to cope with the children going off happily with their father? In the beginning, it will be with great difficulty and only by gritting your teeth, smiling when you don't feel like it and never ever asking questions. It is hard, especially when they tell you - and they will tell you - how wonderful it all was. Just remember two things - first, it really could be worse if he ignored them and second - hopefully they are telling him how marvellous it is with you.
You ask how he will cope. Who cares? The big plus of your new situation is that his feelings simply are not your problem any more.
My advice for visiting days is to have a good friend call around with a bottle of wine or treat yourself to a facial, a long, peaceful walk, a soak in the bath with a good book, whatever you fancy. And keep the faith - it does get better.
Sylvia Hickey, Athgarvan, Newbridge, Co Kildare
Try to be optimistic. Emotionally you are at rock-bottom at the moment and the only way is up. Your feelings are in turmoil, but things will get better and they will get better quicker if you stop fighting with your husband. Easy for me to say, I know. Get mediation - it does help. It will help to separate the emotional from the practical. They will make you see one or two incomes will only stretch so far and that arguing improves nothing.
Join a group that supports separated women and talk to the others. They will tell you that when things calm down you will start counting your blessings. All you can do is be nice to yourself, cope from day to day and look forward in the certain knowledge that before too long you all, including the grandparents, will be civil to each other. You have a second chance of happiness and I wish you well.
Marie Dunne, Drumcondra, Dublin 9
Next Month's Problem
This is your last chance for a book token. This is a letter from a big, jolly writer who is about to retire. Just on the verge of giving up her newspaper column after more than 30 years. Just about to slow down on novel-writing and roaring around the world in an orgy of self-advancement. She will be 60 this year and she's very tired.
All around her, she sees people in other jobs retiring and having a great time. They meet their friends, read the books they want to, go to the theatre and movies, take little trips they had put on hold, they record weepies and watch them in the afternoon. They have time to help people go to art exhibitions and even go for walks. It all looks very appealing indeed.
Some people tell this big, jolly writer she will go mad if she retires - she has been working non-stop for 40 years and she wouldn't know how to handle free time.
These people say we are only defined by the work we do, they say she is so lucky to be in a position to continue working rather than to have to go, like a lot of people, they say that after six months she will regret the decision and be furious she has painted herself into a corner.
Now, the big jolly writer and I - who are, of course, the same person - would love to hear from the retired about the great things and the desperate things.
Keep it very short please, then we can get more in. As it's my last regular column I'd love to make it full of insights. I won't print abuse or praise, just advice - hints on how to be a hugely happy retired person . . . After all, I've been a sucker for reading advice and giving advice for years - not always, alas, for taking it. The responses will be published on Saturday, April 15th, but we need the letters quickly, to PO Box 6737 Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin. Writers of letters published will each receive a £25 book token.