It was as if I had been hypnotised by the fear

MY HEALTH EXPERIENCE/David McNally:IT WAS in 1992 that I successfully put the final components in place to complete the physical side of my stammer, but the truth is that my development of the psychological side, ie the mindset of a person with a stammer, started long before that, probably during my childhood.

I say mindset because I now believe that the physical act of stammering, the part that the listener sees – a block or repetition of a sound – is actually the end result of a system that originates in the mind. John Harrison, a person who has successfully overcome his stammer, refers to this system as the “stuttering hexagon”.

During second year I remember feeling anxious about reading in class, but couldn’t figure out what was happening. Before this, it was no big deal to me, but something in my mind changed. I perceived others were judging me or, more precisely, I was beginning to judge myself in a negative way and I projected this negativity onto others and back onto me. During each class I’d visualise myself blocking if there was reading involved. This increased the fear level which ultimately took over my mind.

I was equipping myself with every emotion and belief necessary to be good at stammering. In class I’d focus on my speech and obsess about it. I’d find a desk in a centre row whenever I could, as most teachers picked pupils to read who sat at a corner desk, and the reading continued down the row to the next pupil. I’d pray that the bell would ring before it was my turn.

With each embarrassing speaking situation I recorded another stammering situation to my memory. Each memory would no doubt resurface the next time I would be asked to speak or read, and the result would undoubtedly be a speech block. Strangely enough, there were times in class when I read eloquently without blocking. I couldn’t predict when this fluency would take over my speech patterns or how I was doing it, but it was a welcome reminder as to how I used to speak, and ultimately how I could still speak. Looking back on each reading situation I can see that my problem wasn’t a speech problem, but rather something rooted deeper in my mind that exposed itself as a physical speech block.

I remember my English teacher asked me to read one day and he said, “You are developing a stammer, so reading will be good for you”. I thought, “How could reading be good for me?” Back then I thought I was a victim. Knowing what I know now about stammering, my English teacher was right about me developing a stammer – it didn’t pick me, I constructed it and therefore I can break it down piece by piece. My “stuttering hexagon” was negative for most of my school life. My perceptions about who I was were ill-founded and I lived by these false beliefs.

The fear used to take over my mind when I knew I’d have to say my name. In situations when I knew the dreaded introduction was coming up, all I could think about was would I be able to say “David McNally” without stammering. I’d rehearse the speaking situation in my head a hundred times, but more often than not as soon as I would have to speak the fear would take over and I’d block on my name. During these situations I never thought about what was going on inside my mind as the fear had taken over all cognitive function. It was as if I had been hypnotised by the fear. I could only feel fear and I could only visualise a block.

Looking back now I believe that I blocked because even though I’d rehearse each speaking situation in my head over and over again, I’d still visualise myself blocking. Blocking was familiar to me whereas fluency was not. We are all more comfortable with what is familiar to us. I was preparing my speech system to block because I was telling my mind I’d block. At least my subconscious mind was working correctly! The difficulty with saying my name was due to the fact that it was one of the things that can’t be changed, just like my address. This is as opposed to saying a challenging word or sound that could be substituted for a word that I felt I could say.

The stammering mind works by scanning ahead for words or sounds that the mind tells us we won’t be able to say. It works quickly and challenging words are substituted for words that can be said. This was my way of hiding my stammer as best I could. And it worked for me in most cases. My stammer was only apparent to my listener during times when words could not be substituted or the fear level was high, such as presentations, introductions, etc. I used to feel that I had to speak when the listener expected me to speak; and as a result of this pressure I didn’t reflect on the situation – I just wanted to get each speaking situation over as fast as possible.

In 2007, I enrolled in a nutrition course. I knew that I would have to do a presentation during my first year. I also knew that if I continued to pretend to myself that I didn’t have a stammer, my presentation would be as disastrous as previous presentations.

I inquired about the McGuire Programme and joined in May 2008. It was a tough decision to make as it meant that I had to finally come to terms with my stammer. I had to confront it in my own mind, but also in the presence of others. My presentations in first, second and third years were huge successes. I also successfully completed a personal trainer course in 2009, and read a prayer of the faithful at a friend’s wedding in May of this year.

These situations were a massive extension of my comfort zone, and they would have been impossible for me to achieve had it not been for the support I received on the McGuire Programme.

With these positive speaking experiences I have started to record over the bad speaking experiences. There is still a lot of work to do, but the McGuire Programme offered me the first step in my quest to beat this monster. The old voice of, “You can’t do that, you’ll stammer”, is now a fading distant one. It does come back sometimes, but I know how to silence it most of the time.

For those who are not yet ready to disclose their stammer to others I recommend reading the following books: Beyond Stammering by Dave McGuire, Why I Called My Sister Harry by Michael O’Shea, and Redefining Stuttering by John Harrison.

In conclusion, I’d just like to strongly urge anyone with a stammer or anyone who knows a loved one with a stammer to get in touch with the McGuire Programme. The sooner you take this positive leap in life, the happier you will be. Your speech will no longer be the first thought in your head each and every morning or the last thought at night.

For more information, see mcguire programme.com and stammering.ie