An art exhibition with a difference puts grief on display. Sylvia Thompson finds out more
The two photographs of a wardrobe - one firmly closed almost coffin-like in its austere grandeur, the other showing off its neat, ordered contents - are a striking introduction to Adrienne Lord's art exhibition currently on show in the Concourse of the County Hall in Dún Laoghaire, Co Dublin.
The enlarged photocopies of her husband's death notice from this newspaper in August 1998 are a palpable reminder of the omnipresence of grief in all our lives.
Visitors who take the time to study the details of these highly personal art works will soak up emotions delved into during the bereavement process. This is intentional.
But artist Adrienne Lord will not speak of her personal grief. She has expressed her feelings through her art and at the same time generously co-ordinated a Bereavement Forum (see panel) with bereavement therapist Peter Hanlon to run alongside her exhibition, giving people an opportunity to respond emotionally and practically to their own experiences of loss or bereavement.
"Bereavement and loss is a very neglected area yet it's a reality for all of us. I think this art exhibition and bereavement forum is a very valuable way of approaching it as it allows people to acknowledge that the journey is very painful while at the same time normalising the process," says Peter Hanlon.
While Hanlon acknowledges the huge contribution made by the recently deceased Elizabeth Kübler Ross - who developed the now widely acknowledged stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - he believes such guidelines are often more disabling than enabling.
"People now feel if they don't go through these stages, they are having an abnormal grief reaction.
" But grief is a unique and individual experience. No two people love in the same way and no two people bereave in the same way.
"There is no one-size fits all in the grief journey."
Referring to the photograph of the wardrobe of clothes in Lord's exhibition, Hanlon continues, "Clothes are a huge issue for people when someone close to them dies. Some people are rushed into getting rid of clothes. But it's such a final thing to do because it is saying that person is not coming back to wear these clothes. A lot of people say to me 'I still have his/her clothes'. "I believe people should really decide on issues like this when they are ready to do so."
As part of the Bereavement Forum which accompanies the art exhibition, Ailish Jameson will speak about the loss of her husband, Ken. "My husband Ken died four years ago when our son, Aaron (5) was one and a half and I was pregnant with Ken (4). It was a very unnatural setting as I was in hospital with complications in my pregnancy and had to organise the funeral while going back into hospital at night.
"For me now, death is part of my life. I felt I lost everything - my husband, my best friend, my soulmate and my children's father," she says. Each day, I'm trying to rebuild my life and work through grief. Some days, I do better than others."
Jameson feels her children have "kept her going" but they too have lost so much.
"Being widowed, you have a huge responsibility and a huge power to make their childhood happy or miserable. I try to balance every negative with a positive and when we have a bad day, we talk about it," she explains.
In terms of people understanding her grief, Ailish says she believes this isn't really possible. "It's unfair to expect people to understand but some people do try and others don't. It's the ones who try who help."
Joe Gallagher whose wife, Margaret, died three years ago of cancer will also speak about the loss of a partner at the Bereavement Forum. He says one of the things that helped him and his daughters, Aileen (19) and Niamh (17) most was attending bereavement camps at Barretstown, Co Kildare.
"These weekends gave us the freedom to express ourselves, a safe environment to talk about our difficulties and a chance to see how others are coping. The mix of physical activities, musical reflections and sharing experiences with others was helpful."
Bereavement therapist Peter Hanlon says some people find it very difficult to be supportive to those suffering loss or bereavement.
"A lot of people say to me 'I don't know what to say' and I say, simply say 'I don't know what to say but is there anything I can do'.
"Sometimes, it is particularly difficult for those sharing the same grief because they are all grieving different relationships. Everyone in grief needs to be heard and needs to have an opportunity to tell their story whether that's to a friend, a family member or a bereavement counsellor.
"I also advise people to keep a journal of how they are feeling, find ways to exercise - walking and being out in nature is very helpful - and relax. Listening to what your body is telling you, knowing that it's okay to feel what you feel and that tears are a sign of pain not of weakness is also important," he says.
Hanlon believes children and adolescents are often the most neglected people in grief.
"People see children coping and think that they are coping but adults often look like they are coping too. Children and adolescents have the same journey of grief and pain but they just process it differently," he says.
"One of the things I also try to get across to people is that moving on is not moving away. You move through grief to the next part of your life but you bring the person with you in your head and in your heart.
"Your love never dies. You incorporate that new relationship into your life."
Art and support
The Presence of Absence consists of photographs and mixed media works based on items of clothing of Adrienne Lord's husband, John, who died six years ago.
Passage of Time is a site-specific installation consisting of four boards filled with collages of text and images drawn from diaries, photographs and other visual imagery which loosely record the years of Adrienne and John's marriage from 1977 to 1998.
A series of talks on loss and bereavement runs alongside the exhibition, giving the public a chance to hear individuals talk about their experiences of loss and also a rare opportunity to find out about the wide range of bereavement services that exist in Ireland today. A website www.journeythroughloss.com will be launched at the end of the Bereavement Forum.
The programme, which begins tomorrow at 1 p.m. with a talk and slideshow by Adrienne Lord, runs on Mondays and Wednesdays at
1 p.m. in the Concourse of the County Hall and on Thursday evenings at 8 p.m. in the Assembly Room, County Hall. Admission is free.
Topics to be covered include long-term illness and loss; coping with the loss of a child; surviving traumatic loss; and support for adolescents and young adults in loss. Representatives from various support groups will be on hand to talk to the public at two information sessions on November 10th and 17th from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m.
More details from Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown Arts Office on tel: 01 2054749. See also www.dlrcoco.ie/arts or contact bereavement therapist, Peter Hanlon, Bereavement Services, Northern Area Health Board, 1st Floor, Park House, 191-193 North Circular Road, Dublin 7. Tel: 086 2655877.
Hints to help cope
Taken from the Bereavement Counselling Service leaflet. See also www.bereavementireland.org