Teenagers stuck in the middle

The Teen Between counselling service provides support to a growing and vulnerable group - teenagers whose parents are breaking up. But this valuable service is now under threat from Goverment cutbacks, writes Louise Holden.

'I can't get my father out of my head. I try to concentrate on other things - school, friends and stuff, but he's always there." These are the words of one teenager trying to come to terms with the break-up of her parents' marriage. It gives us a glimpse of how teens can become overwhelmed by their parents' problems and unable to function properly in their own lives.

The needs of young people during the period of their parents' marital breakdown are often underestimated, if not actually ignored. Parents are caught up in the emotional turmoil of their own deteriorating relationship, so their awareness of the impact this is having on their children may be subsumed by other pressures and preoccupations. So says Claire Missen of the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS), which has been running the Teen Between programme for nearly a decade in Dublin. In that time the demand has grown to such an extent that the service has been extended across the State to all but six counties. There are currently 33 trained Teen Between counsellors here.

"In the course of counselling separating couples we realised how difficult it can be for parents to continue parenting effectively at the time of separation," says Missen. "Parents themselves recognised this - it was they who asked if there was a service available to help their children. Most of the referrals we get come from parents."

Teen Between was established by the MRCS in May 1995 as a specific response to the needs of young people aged between 12 and 18 who are adversely affected by the break-up of their parents' relationship. The team consists of 15 counsellors and three supervisors.

"We train our counsellors in the skills and techniques that allow the young person to explore their emotions. Particular emphasis is given to developing the young person's skills of communication to enable them to renegotiate their relationship with their parents," Missen explains.

When parents separate young people often experience a loss of self-esteem, because they find it so difficult to differentiate between the rejection of a spouse and a rejection of themselves. This can spill over into all other aspects of their lives such as their performance in school and their relationships with peers.

Young people need someone who will listen to them, enable them to talk about their feelings and make them feel that they do not have to take sides. The aim is that they do not feel caught in the middle or, more importantly, that they do not feel responsible for their parents' lives. They need help to see that it is not their problem.

Helen Butler works with the Galway Youth Federation Information Service in Ballinasloe. She has been a voluntary Teen Between Counsellor for six years and as far as she's concerned, the service is crucial in the county. She has counselled 40 teenagers since she started. Helen was trained by Claire Missen of MRCS, and 11 other voluntary counsellors have been trained in the county since.

There's a huge demand for Teen Between in Galway because there is so little in the way of counselling available outside Dublin, she says. Marriages break up all over the country, but counselling is only available in the capital.

Even if people here could get up to Dublin for counselling, they are reluctant to, she says. "In the country there is a stigma attached to counselling for family problems. We don't call ourselves counsellors - ours is more of a listening role. Because we are all youth workers as well, the teens are more comfortable talking to us in the local youth centre than they would be driving up to Dublin to see a counsellor. That's if they could afford it, which few can."

The Teen Between service is free and, in Galway, parents are never asked to contribute. They have enough on their minds, says Butler.

"Much as they want to help their children, parents going through separation are not available for teens," she says. "They hope that reassuring remarks will put the teen's mind at rest, but they don't. Teens are overhearing bits of conversation, picking up vibes. They internalise all these scraps of information and can start to feel responsible. Many have seen dire consequences of marriage break-up elsewhere and feel sure that they are in for the same pain." It takes a few sessions to convince the clients that the service is absolutely confidential, and that their parents will not be informed of what goes on. Once that trust is established, says Butler, a lot of the same themes start to come up.

"Many young people complain of an inability to get the situation out of their heads. They can't concentrate in school, they can't get on with the things they used to enjoy. The break-up becomes a constant preoccupation. One girl told me that she was falling behind in school because she had lost all focus - she couldn't get her father out of her head." In this instance, the counsellor will help to teen to find strategies to compartmentalise the issue and make room for other aspects of life. She encourages teens to figure out when the preoccupation peaks and discover ways to avoid that circumstance.

For one teen it was as simple as turning off the telephone at night. That way he couldn't read texts from his dad which turned his mind back to the problem. This small action put him back in control.

Another issue that often arises is the feeling of being caught in the middle. Without realising it, parents can put their children through unimaginable torture. Young people report coming back from a visit to their father to be faced with loads of questions from their mother about his life and what he's doing. To the mother, these are innocent questions - conversation even. To the teenager they are unbearable.

Teen Between counsellors spend a lot of time helping teens to find ways to communicate their needs to parents without causing rows or guilt. Teens will suffer in silence rather than make the situation worse. They need the language to express their own difficulties and to describe to parents what should change in order for them to get on with their lives.

"It would be easy for me to call a mother and tell her to stop making her daughter ask her father for more maintenance, but that's a short-term solution," says Butler. "If we can empower the young person to speak up at home and give her the language to do it, she can start to renegotiate her own relationships with her parents."

It's a strange position that teens of broken families find themselves in. They are not protected in the way that children are because they are regarded as young adults and capable of understanding much more than younger children. Having said that, they are given no control over their own circumstances - a heavy responsibility with few rights.

Counselling tailored to teens performs a vital function. It puts them back in control, absolves them of responsibility for their parents break-up and gives them permission to get on with the already difficult business of being a teenager.

For further information contact MRCS at (01) 678 5256 or mrcs@eircom.net