PARENTS on the run

THOUSANDS of Irish parents are on the run - the school run, the sports run, the ballet run, the drama run, the swimming run, the supervised study run, the sleepover run - the apres concert and after pub run the late night work run.

Parents with several children involved in a few out of school activities and with moderately active social lives can spend most of their time on the road. Schedules for collecting and delivering have to be drawn up with military precision, if only to make sure you've left a gap somewhere to do the shopping.

But should you do this? When does care and concern for the comfort and safety of your child become mollycoddling? Should they walk to school at the age of eight? Make their own arrangements for getting home at 3 a.m. by the time they're 17?

Carol, a mother of three living in southside Dublin, has a typical suburban schedule: she drops her three children, aged 10, 12, and 17, to school every morning on the way to her own part time job. She collects the two youngest, in different but nearby primary schools, at 2.20 p.m. and 2.30 p.m., and her teenage daughter at 3.30 p.m. "That was up to Christmas when she had exams, but she'll start taking the bus".

Two days a week, her eldest has swimming; one of those days is Friday, when her son also has football. One child has to be delivered at 5.30 p.m. and collected at 7 p.m., while the next must be delivered at 7.30 p.m. and collected at 9 p.m. Her middle child has art one afternoon a week in school, and she has to factor that into the weekly schedule too.

On top of that, there are sleepovers, visits to friends, and, at weekends, collecting her 17 year old from her job.

"She works in a pub. It's only 10 minutes from the house, but the way things are today I wouldn't let her walk home by herself at 1.30 or 2.30 in the morning." So Carol goes to bed and waits for her daughter to call, gets up and drives to collect her.

Her husband shares some of the load, but they are a two car family, and she works fewer hours outside the home than he does - so, somehow, the children have become her responsibility. She thinks being their chauffeur is getting more difficult as they get older.

"It was dreadful when they were younger, and the youngest was in playschool: I had to do collections at 12.30, 1.30 and 2.30 p.m. - you can't do anything. But now, it never seems to stop."

"Mam's taxi", Carol calls it, with a resigned laugh. Do her children take it for granted? "Absolutely." And does she sometimes resent this? "Yes, sometimes. But it's peace of mind for yourself, isn't it?"

MANY, MANY parents will see Carol's routine as typical; some will share the chauffeuring other parents. But is this the way it has to be?

Obviously it's not even an option for families without a car, or a car and driver available for much of the day. Anecdotal evidence suggests that the child with the best chauffeur service is middle class, with a mother (usually) working full time in the home. Indeed, many working parents owe a huge debt of gratitude to those full time mothers who will generously drive their children home, or to a childminder.

Ironically, it may be the least well off and best off children who make their own way to school and gain independence at an earlier age. For poorer children the reasons are obvious; in a middle class school, the children most likely to be walking are those with two parents working full time outside the home - they trot home with their au pairs. And anyone who travels on Dublin's DART will meet children as young as seven and eight commuting long distances to some of the more expensive private schools.

Fionnuala Kilfeather of the National Parents' Council (Primary) says there is a danger of children being mollycoddled, and says that those living close to their schools - i.e. within a mile - should walk.

This is not an easy option for parents: ideally, they will get up a bit earlier in the morning to walk with their children until they're at least eight years old (the National Road Safety Council says that no children under seven should cross roads on their own) so they get into the habit. Then, depending on where you live, the safety of the route, whether children have older brothers, sisters, or friends to walk with, they should be encouraged to walk by themselves.

By the time they're 10, they should be able to manage going on a bus by themselves, Kilfeather adds.

But what of "stranger danger"? "You have to be sensible - not everyone is a child abuser," says Kilfeather, who suggests that it's good for children to be allowed to develop their independence carefully. Make sure they understand the "Stay Safe" and "Safe Cross Code" messages they get in school, rehearsing the route they'll walk before letting them walk on their own, making sure, in short, that they are streetwise in the most comprehensive and best possible sense.

She advises parents to negotiate with teens, to send the message that they can't take the domestic taxi for granted. "Children aren't eejits - they'll take a free chauffeur service up to the time they're 28 if you let them." (Alternatives include letting teenagers walk home in a group, letting friends sleep over, letting them share a taxi and getting teens to organise rotating lifts between parents.)

Child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Brendan Doody, a senior registrar with the Eastern Health Board, says that in adolescence in particular, this is another issue about autonomy that should be negotiated. It's not that chauffeuring your child is either bad or good: it's one of those things that needs to be kept in balance, so that you do your job of fostering independence.

IT'S DEFINITELY a trend, in Ireland as elsewhere, that children have lost much of their freedom as our society becomes dangerous, he says. But children still have to grow up.

"It's not a question of chauffeuring them everywhere until they're 17, and then saying, I'll never drive you anywhere," he says. "You have to start promoting independence gradually, from age 13, 14, or 15."

Running a taxi service may be just a habit you find hard to break - but it may be more complex than that, he adds. "For some parents, it's fulfilling a need. As they face having an empty nest, it's comforting to feel that they still have a role, that their children still need them. They might prefer having a dependent child."

You may grumble about ferrying your children about, but if an examination of conscience suggests that you're doing this for yourself as much as for them, it's probably time to change - because a parent's job is always to prepare children to leave the nest.

And if you're one of those parents who cut out drinking over the holidays to be available for taxi duty, Fionnuala Kilfeather has a tip: teach them to drive when they're 17 - then get them to drive you.