RADIO REVIEW:THERE WAS that word again on This Week (RTÉ Radio One, Sundays). Brian Cowen going on about the economic crisis being "unprecedented".
He said, “It behoves the Minister of Finance to outline that we are in uncharted waters and in an unprecedented situation.” Was the last recession unprecedented? Or the one before that? He even cogs from old speeches, repeating entire sentences. Dáil Eireann on January 28th: “The reality is that the present situation is unprecedented, and calls for clear thinking and resolute action.” Four Seasons Hotel on February 25th: “The reality is that the present situation is unprecedented, and calls for clear thinking and resolute action.”
Help! Somebody has stolen the real Taoiseach, and replaced him with a malfunctioning robot made from unwanted cardboard boxes and electric apple peelers from Lidl. He keeps saying the same thing over and over again, and to lots of different questions. "As I said we are in unprecedented times," he said (again) on This Week. There have been financial crises, dodgy bankers, stock market crashes, property bubbles, credit-driven booms, politicians in cahoots with property developers, even economic cycles before. "Unprecedented" is not the word for it.
There is a very cute photo of Cowen on the website of the new radio station 4FM, taken for an appearance on McGurk On 4 (4FM, weekdays). In it, Cowen looks like a schoolboy who has just stuck a piece of chewing gum on the teacher’s chair or put a frog in her desk drawer. It gave hope that the man himself had returned.
On Monday, Tom McGurk said, “Turn your radios up, drivetime will never be the same again!” Though I doubt even he (or Hookie) believed that. Turning to the Taoiseach, he said, “You want to recognise that 4FM, despite all the economic devastation, is up there and is going to succeed!” Cowen politely credited 4FM’s “can-do attitude”. “Was there a moment you can remember when you got a sense we’ve never been here before?” McGurk asked. Cowen replied, “Yes, that night in September when we had to sit down and decide to provide a guarantee to the banking system.” That’s September 2008 when Lehman Brothers collapsed, by the way, not September 2007 after the credit crisis began.
Cowen blabbed on, trying to explain the situation in layman’s terms. The collapse of Lehmans, he said, “happened way off in everyone’s mind geographically and mentally far away.” He can say that again. “When liquidity dries up,” he added comically, “access to funds aren’t there.” Yes, and Lehmans is a big bank in a place called America.
Again, McGurk asked, “Somebody must have looked around and said, ‘We’ve never been here before’.” He opened the jar for Cowen and out came that frog: “Well, it is an unprecedented situation . . .”
On Tuesday’s The Gerry Ryan Show (RTÉ Radio 2FM, weekdays) Oliver Callan’s excellent Nob Nation had fake politicians presenting the mini-budget. “Joe Duffy” sounded like the real thing, with his “ah-there” high interjections. “Joe” asked why Biffo didn’t raise taxes last year. “Last October was like the mocks and we all know that no-one bothers to study for the mocks,” he replied. “We got a C minus in that, but this is the real thing now.” And if it goes pear-shaped? “Like any good student we’ll go on the tear for the summer and come back to repeat it next year.” Next up was “Brian Lenihan”. Was he ready for this one? “Absolutely – I’ve even bought a new calculator! And the budget will happen when the time changes happen in a few weeks and we put our clocks back for the . . .” The clocks go forward. “Oh, right. So I’ll get an extra hour in bed before my speech so I’ll be ready . . .”
Meanwhile, on 4FM, there’s not much fresh talent, but it plays easy-listening music to lift our aerials. The voice-over is going for a hyper-macho vibe: “McGuuurrrk . . . on fouuurrr!” Or, “Kiiiberrrd . . . on fouuurrr!”, which doesn’t work so well. But it has fierce competition and an uphill climb, so good luck to Derek Davis, Jimmy Greeley and the boys.
Before playing the nostalgic Love of the Common Peopleby Paul Young on Thursday, Kiberd On 4 (4FM, weekdays) with Damien Kiberd did a feature on struggling glossy magazines paying money to celebrities. It brought me back to the halcyon days of Nicky Byrne and Georgina Ahern's wedding in Hello!Whatever happened to that father of the bride, anyway?
qfottrell@irishtimes.com