‘You don’t discriminate. You’re a complete pig to absolutely everyone’

Ross gets a pep talk from Honor – but that may not actually be a good thing

“You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

“You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

 

So I’m, like, pointing the camera at Honor and she’s going, “Hi, goys, welcome to my channel. Today, it’s going to be all about the bag! It’s a favourite topic of mine and I know from your comments that it’s a favourite of yours, too!”

I know a lot of these parenting experts say we should show an interest in our kids. And I usually do? But today – I’m going to be honest – my hort isn’t in it and neither is my head. Honor picks up on it as well.

“Now, a few weeks ago,” she goes, giving me the angry eyes, “we covered investment bags and I showed you some pieces from my collection, everything from my medium Chanel classic flap to my Hermes So Black Birkin. Dad, you’re not even pointing the camera at me!”

I’m there, “Sorry.”

“That’s it – on me! Thank you! Now, today, I’m going to show you how to improvise a bag that’s a little bit offbeat, a little bit kooky, but I think you’re going to agree that it’s very, very cool! Now, I’m going ask my dad to film the official unboxing… Okay, what the fock is wrong with you?”

Because that’s how 11-year-old girls talk to their fathers in this port of the world.

She goes, “Dad, turn the camera off.”

Which is what I end up doing.

She’s like, “Are you hung over or something?”

I’m there, “No.”

She goes, “You’ve a face on you like a slapped orse. And every time I move, the camera stays in the same place. You’re miles away.”

“I’m sorry, Honor. It’s just that I’m doing this course at the moment.”

“What course?”

“Yeah, no, it’s a Gender Attitude Reconditioning course. The Human Resources deportment – Human Remains, I call them – they insisted I go on it. It turns out that I’m a bit sexist.”

She actually laughs.

Listen to Ross

“Dad,” she goes, “you are so not a sexist.”

I’m there, “I am, Honor. This course has forced me to take a good, hord look at myself. I’m actually horrible to women.”

“But you’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

“You have to say that – you’re my daughter.”

“I mean it. You don’t discriminate. You’re a complete pig to absolutely everyone. You talk down to absolutely everyone. You’re rude to absolutely everyone.”

“Keep talking to me like this, Honor. It’s definitely helping.”

I can literally feel my confidence coming back.

She goes, “You think you’re better than absolutely everyone – and that’s, like, regordless of gender?”

I’m there, “I do. I genuinely do.”

“Well, then, stop being such a focking wuss and let’s go back to this unboxing.”

I end up just shaking my head – kids, huh? – then I point the camera at her again.

I actually don’t know how I manage to keep the camera steady during the unboxing of what turns out to be – I’m not making this up – the case for a snooker cue

She goes, “Now, I just want to say, before we do the unboxing, a quick word about my dad, who many of you will know from my previous vlogs. He is the best father in the entire world – even though I’m obviously biased – and also a really, really cool person. For instance, he buys me absolutely everything I ever ask for, including all those expensive bags I showed you before.”

It’s a definite moment for me. We’re talking tears welling in the eyes. I actually don’t know how I manage to keep the camera steady during the unboxing of what turns out to be – I’m not making this up – the case for a snooker cue.

She goes, “Now, like I said, this idea is a little bit offbeat, but – oh my God – so, so cool! A snooker cue case is the ultimate statement bag! It’s lightweight and yet big enough to carry your phone, your lipstick and anything else you might need. It’s also eye-catching without being too obtrusive? I’m predicting snooker cue cases are going to be everywhere, including on red corpets, during A/W17 and into S/S18.”

So we upload the video, then we sit on the side of Honor’s bed and over the course of the next hour we watch the comments coming in on the laptop – all saying what an inspiration Honor is and how literally lucky she is to have a dad who buys her everything she wants. There’s no even haters?

I’m there, “Thanks, by the way – for what you said.”

Honor smiles. She goes, “Can I tell you a secret? In a lot of ways, you’re my actual inspiration?”

“Okay, I’m about to burst into tears again.”

“Genuinely. When I’m being really, really mean or horrible, I do sometimes think, ‘Am I doing the right thing here? Should I maybe try to be a better person?’ But then I think, ‘I can’t help who I am – Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is my father.’”

It’s nice. I’m like, “Thanks, Honor.”

Then a photograph pops up in Honor’s comments feed of a woman holding a snooker cue case. She’s also wearing the ski goggles that Honor recommended as a fashion accessory last week. And it suddenly hits me like a bucket of cold water over the head.

“Oh my God,” I go, “you’re ripping the piss out of people!”

She laughs. She’s like, “Er, snooker cue cases? Ski goggles?”

I’m there, “The butcher’s apron from two weeks ago – you weren’t serious about that either?”

She goes, “I just wanted to see how far I can push people.”

“Honor, it’s funny, but it’s also a bit, I don’t know, evil?

“People are just, like, mind slaves?” she goes. “No one thinks for themselves anymore. I just thought it would be hilarious to see what I can make them do.”

And at that exact moment, Sorcha steps into the room. “Oh my God,” she goes, “I just watched your vlog. A snooker cue case, Honor? I am so getting one of those!”

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