‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewasters
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present