Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly was the captain of the Castlerock College team that won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999. It’s rare that a day goes by when he doesn’t mention it. A renowned socialite, libertine and seducer, who has been described as Ireland’s most eligible married man and the greatest Irish player never to actually make it in the game, he is managing director of his father’s confidential-document disposal business, Shred Focking Everything.

‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

It’s Honor’s 20th birthday

‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las Braygas!’

Chorles has shacked up with Bernie and it’s actually making me sick. He’s all gooey-eyed and she’s hanging off him like a fisherman’s jumper

I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

I’m there, ‘I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy –' She goes, ‘Uh-oh!’

‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

‘That’s not what you said on September 4th, 2001,’ I remind him

‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

We’re going on a double date with Honor and her new girlfriend, Nicola – and Sorcha is up to 90

‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

I make a big point of not touching it, mainly out of respect to my old dear’s memory, the drunken trout

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

Sorcha’s in tears and looking in the window – because the place is, I’m just going to come out and say it, gone

‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

Ross and Sorcha are off on holiday without the kids for a week

‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

My three sons, who I had to pay to play – a grand each, seeing as you’re asking – are the worst players on the pitch

‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

I’ve never been more chillaxed approaching a big game

‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

Would the Rossmeister throw away a 30-year friendship over a `stupid’ rugby match? Just watch me

‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

‘Giving my ticket to Twickenham to a woman from Bray – that’s preposterous. She wasn’t even watching the match’

‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m considered by some pretty great judges of the game to be the greatest Irish centre no one has ever heard of’

The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

After a thrashing to Wesley College, Johnny – my own son – says, ‘I don’t think I want to play rugby any more’

‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’

The old man is out on a double-date with Claire’s old dear from Bray of all places, and my inheritance is flashing before my eyes

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