Home Rules: Handling a breakup

Now that spring is in the air and Valentine’s Day is safely stashed, thoughts of love can reasonably turn to its flip side: the break-up. As even the most dyed-in-the- wool romantics know, devotion sometimes ends and its waning is no respecter of culture or class.

One of my favourite lines, overheard during the marriage equality referendum campaign, went something like this: “I’m voting Yes, because it’s the right thing to do, but mark my words, it’s not going to be the thin end of the wedge: they can have gay marriage, but they’re not getting gay divorce.”

Straight or gay, married or cohabiting, it does happen. So how do you deal with it tactfully, while preserving your possessions, friendships and your dignity? First, I'd prescribe sitting down together – yes, together – to watch The War of the Roses (1989). Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner as Oliver and Barbara Rose will either persuade you to cool your boots or else inspire you to some seriously quote-worthy, noteworthy excesses.

If you find you don’t fancy peeing on your partner’s elaborate fish dinner or hurling furniture like the Roses, how do you divide the possessions? It’s easy enough if you haven’t been together that long, but as time goes by, objects do become imbued with strong emotional attachments, even if yours for each other have evaporated.

Divvy up what you can, calmly, leaving the things that really matter to the end – and then take it in turns to pick. One by one.

Sometimes a gesture can be gorgeous. Irish writer Patrick Chapman's award-winning short 2004 film Burning the Bed, starring Aidan Gillen and Gina McKee, dwelt on a parting couple, emptying the home they had shared. It's absolutely beautiful and almost makes you want to fall in love so that you can break up as gracefully as this.

Possessions divided, how do you tell the world? My very wise mother once said that frequently the most dignified thing you can say is absolutely nothing at all, but for sheer class I think the award goes to an elegant, embossed card I once received. It announced that “Alan and Sarah now have different addresses.”

Stylish, discreet, it told me everything I needed to know.