Dear Roe,
I've been with my partner for six years, and we've lived together for over a year. We're incredibly happy, I love him to pieces – but we have a problem that is causing a possibly disproportionate amount of stress and anxiety.
We find it very difficult to sleep together in the same bed. I’m a light sleeper who needs heavy blankets, while he snores like a chainsaw and runs hot. The result is a lot of restless sleep and duvet-shoving for both of us, and we wake each other up constantly. It leaves us both tired and grumpy.
We’ve tried a few things like ear plugs and having an extra blanket for me, but because it’s a few different things the problem is never completely solved.
Recently, we spoke about the fact that when he travels for work, we both sleep so much better because we’re not sleeping together, and the prospect of sleeping in different rooms came up. We do have a spare room so practically it’s possible, but I am worried about what this means for our relationship, and our sex life.
I don’t know anyone who sleeps separately, and you only ever hear about people doing so when it’s a loveless, sexless marriage – and I don’t want that! Any advice?
I hope the following sentence will help you sleep better at night: you are not alone. Many couples sleep separately. A 2015 survey from The National Sleep Foundation in the United States found that one in four married couples sleep separately, while another study from Ryerson University had the number closer to 40 per cent. The reasons that most of these couples sleep separately isn't down to that old trope of being in sexless, loveless marriages; it's for the very reason you're describing: to get some decent shut-eye.
Sleeping together has become one of those hallmarks of intimacy, and with good reason. When you can actually sleep with someone, it facilitates physical bonding as well as the emotional bonding that comes from being in your most vulnerable state around your partner. It’s also something we usually only do with romantic partners, and so is a way of strengthening that bond by having a ritual you only do together.
However, it’s also a deeply flawed system, because you know what also helps couples feel healthy and happy and loving towards each other? Getting enough sleep. And sadly, the two things aren’t always compatible.
Now, I’d be remiss not to mention a few other things you could try before trying to sleep separately. Maybe just getting a huge bed with separate duvets of different tog counts is the answer, or pushing two beds together will allow you your space. Your partner could also get his sinuses checked if the snoring is truly awful, or try a snoring aid, which combined with earplugs, could work. Non-prescription sleep aids might also make your slumber a bit deeper so his snoring doesn’t wake you – though be sure to ask your doctor about this, to make sure anything you try is safe and healthy.
Worth a shot
But seeing as you have been struggling with this problem for a while now and may be tired of trying new things, sleeping separately is definitely worth a shot. And remember: sleeping separately doesn’t mean you have to do it always, and neither does it mean that you have to miss out on physical or emotional intimacy. You get to decide what intimacy looks like for you and your partner, and there are myriad other ways you can express that beyond staring at the ceiling while he snores like a train.
Maybe for you, you can create a sense of closeness by cuddling on the couch before bed or even going to the same bed together and having sex or reading or having some quality catch-up time – and then when one of you starts drifting off, the other can retire to the other room. You could even come back together in the morning for some more cuddle time or a quickie before work so that you’re still getting the conscious bonding time, but without sacrificing rest.
You could also decide to only sleep separately when one of you has an early morning, and cuddle up together on weekends, or maybe you find that you are fine sleeping together during the warmer months when you’re not freezing and are happy to go without a huge duvet.
You are adults, and you obviously love each other deeply. You know what’s best for both of you, and what is going to make you feel close while still doing what’s best for both of you, health and sanity-wise. The only thing stopping you is a (pardon the pun) tired old stereotype and a fear of how other people will view your relationship – even though other people aren’t in your relationship nor hanging around in your bedroom at night (presumably).
Play around with your options – and enjoy what changing up your routine could do for your sex life. Instead of limiting yourselves to having sex in bed at night before falling asleep together, enjoy trying it all over your house, at all hours of the day. Variety-filled sex, good sleep and an otherwise great relationship? I think you’ll be just fine.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.
