:quality(70)/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/AVTMWDH3FQSCXWMM6IQEWC2R2I.jpg)
:quality(70)/s3.amazonaws.com/arc-authors/irishtimes/887ca0ae-819a-4e55-af1e-a9b0bc75ae84.png)
Question: We are parents of four children ranging from 10 years down to 22 months. I'm afraid to say life is a daily, stressful struggle.
Every day feels like a long day of constant moaning and giving and dealing with bickering and fighting among the children. I find myself losing the head and end up shouting.
Midterm was really difficult, with cooped-up kids fighting all day about TV, giving out about meals, etc. It was worse when we tried to make a few family trips.
I would love to find a way to stay calm and to regain some fun and joy in parenting.
:quality(70)/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/TTATXM3FYCJF5XUT2RVJK7UBMA.jpg)
:quality(70)/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/E6CGXU4JP4FXNCYA4ZYG62AYUM.jpg)
:quality(70)/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/NEFTHLINMV6534X62IWBNLP4PE.jpg)
:quality(70)/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/6Z73SMIVQJKG4JB5Y6PLG7IEDM.jpg)
Answer: Parenting four young children can be stressful at the best of times. Dealing with the daily grind of emotional upsets, tantrums, conflicts and constant demands can all take its toll, even on the most well-resourced parent. Managing the long days of the midterm can be particularly stressful when you no longer have the routine of the school day. The problem with stress is that it can be cumulative. Stress begets stress. As you deal with conflicts you can be pushed to your limit and then react angrily. Angry exchanges can deplete your positive energy and make the next row more likely. The more you battle with your children, the more they battle with each other and the more family stress can increase.
I like your positive goal of wanting to find a way of being calmer and to regain the fun and joy of parenting, as these are the ways to reduce stress and get back on track as a family.
Start with self-care and relaxation
In the emergency notice on a plane, you are reminded to attend to your own oxygen mask before you help your children. This is a good metaphor for parenting. You can't look after your children unless you first look after yourself as a parent. Children need cared-for parents as much as they need parents who care for them. If you are stressed, this will compromise how you parent. When your children make a demand, you will be more likely to react angrily if you are stressed in the first place.
Your goal to prioritise fun time with your children will reduce stress and make parenting a lot more enjoyable
As a result the most important step forward to make a plan to manage your stress. Try to plan time in the day to have a few moments of peace that give you space to gather yourself. This can be with simple, enjoyable activities such as reading or watching TV or taking a few minutes to meditate – different things work for different people. The challenge for busy parents is to integrate relaxation times into the routine with the kids. Some people learn to meditate as their children play around them. Some make sure to get to the park for a runaround with the whole family. Or some parents punctuate the day with relaxing music that everyone listens to – this can be a real mood changer.
Establish stress-free routines
I often say that the three things you need to be a successful parent are routine, routine and routine. Having a good routine can reduce stresses and conflicts. During holidays periods such as midterm, it is worth trying to create a plan for the day that keeps the children involved and entertained. Even when at home for the whole day, having routines and fixed times for dinner, playtime, TV time, reading/music before bed, a walk to the park or shops can make the day more manageable. The key to good routines is to get the children involved in them, whether by letting them help with making dinner or setting the table, or taking turns deciding the game to play.
Have a plan for managing stressful situations
As parents, dealing with repeated difficult behaviour such as tantrums or children squabbling that can stress us out and cause us to lose our temper (and thus increase our stress). The key is to find calm ways to deal with these common behaviours. When working with parents I try to help them create a step-by-step plan for dealing with challenges that allows them to respond calmly no matter what the child does next. For example, when your children are bickering you might start by trying to distract them. Then you might calmly listen to their dispute to help them sort it out. If that does not work, then you might suggest they separate and take a break. Finally, use a consequence if they do not: "The toy gets put away until you agree to share." Thinking through a repertoire of creative responses can help you get through challenges in less stressful ways. See my articles on irishtimes.com for other step-by-step plans for dealing with other challenging behaviours
Identify the fun times
Your goal to prioritise fun time with your children will reduce stress and make parenting a lot more enjoyable. As you plan your routine, try to make sure there are relaxed play or chatting times with each of your children throughout the day. Sometimes by changing your perspective, you can bring more enjoyment into your parenting.
Rather than “sweating the small stuff” or letting yourself be bothered by petty conflicts, you can go with the flow and enjoy the daily hustle and bustle of family life.
John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. He will be delivering a workshop, Building Self-Esteem and Resilience, in Dublin on March 28th. See solutiontalk.ie for details