Ask Roe: My ex is making me feel guilty for being on dating apps

Dear Roe,

I have recently broken up with my girlfriend after being together for 2½ years. We had had a very difficult, but loving relationship, and now that I am out of it, I feel a constant sense of guilt and loneliness. She started dating again very quickly after our breakup, and has reconnected with her old friends and renewed her social life (something which I had always encouraged her to do during our relationship).

I have recently started talking to people on dating apps as well, but this is primarily for company; all of my friends live far away from me and are settled down. Recently, my ex found out that I was chatting to people and accused me of only breaking up with her so I could sleep with other women. While this is not true, and I’m not particularly looking for anything romantic or physical, I still feel intense guilt all the time as a result of this. Is this normal? Or should I be staying inside and not going out to meet people for some time?

I wonder about the role of guilt in this relationship and in your romantic relationships generally. You say that your relationship was “difficult” and I think it would serve you well to articulate exactly what that means, even to yourself, to discern whether your feelings of guilt are because you mistreated your ex-girlfriend, or whether something about your dynamic encouraged you to feel guilty about things that were not your doing or in your control, such as (for example) her insecurities about your desire to be with other women, or her choice to withdraw from her social life.

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Only you and your ex know what your dynamic was, but it feels important to explore where your feelings of guilt are coming from, and whether you do have some things to apologise and hold yourself accountable for - or whether you need to work on relieving yourself of your sense of responsibility for your ex-girlfriend’s emotions.

One thing that is immediately apparent (and is emblematic of an absolute plague of modern culture) is that both of you need to stop monitoring each other’s social and dating activities. The illusion of one-dimensional online presences such as a dating profile does not tell the whole story, and encourages comparison and projection as we imagine our exes are having the best time of their lives while we’re struggling. We are not designed to be confronted with images of our ex’s happiness immediately after a break-up; we need literal and emotional space to recover. So give yourselves that. Mute, block, unfollow, tell mutual friends not to speak to either of you about the other. Monitoring each other will simply prolong your emotional entanglement.

No, your ex does not have the right to give out to you for being on a dating app. She is of course entitled to feel emotional about your break-up and express her feelings to her support system, but you are single and allowed to chat with other people. Her accusation that that you broke up with her to sleep with other people is itself somewhat absurd. Most break-ups are so that we can eventually be with other people. Did you tell her you were breaking up with her to be a priest? If not, you don’t have to feel guilty about beginning to reach out to the world.

The only thing you’re doing wrong is not setting clear boundaries with your ex. You need space, time to heal and process your break-up, and she does not get to criticise how you do that. Have fun on the apps, and good luck with your healing.