I’m suspicious of my new boyfriend’s need for privacy

Dear Roe

I am a 43-year-old woman and I’m in my first serious relationship after getting divorced three years ago. I was married for 14 years. My ex-husband and I grew apart romantically and sexually during our marriage, but still have an amicable relationship. I think part of the reason we’re still on good terms is that when we were together, there were no secrets between us. We had access to each other’s phones, I knew his friends and colleagues, we shared lots of hobbies, and in day-to-day life we didn’t stand on ceremony when it came to privacy around bodies and intimacy and bathrooms, etc. I’m currently seeing a man for a few months and I’m finding that I’m struggling with how separate our lives seem. I have met two of his friends, I don’t know his colleagues, and he’s very independent. I find myself wanting more intimacy and also find myself suspicious of whether his time away from me means that he could be cheating or isn’t emotionally available.

First of all, congratulations on your new romance after a long-term marriage and divorce, that sounds like a very big, important life transition for you and I’m glad you’re being brave and dating again. You don’t give too many details about the end of your marriage but as your question is referring to compatibility and boundaries, I’d like you to remember that your ex-husband and you had, from your description, a lot of compatible interests and desires – and ultimately grew apart. Total compatibility on paper isn’t everything.

It’s also worth remembering that there’s an important difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is about the healthy and necessary boundaries we create to maintain a sense of independence, nourishing ourselves through space. Secrecy, on the other hand, creates barriers to and erodes intimacy through hiding, deceiving, and concealing.

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From your description of your marriage, it sounds like you didn’t have secrets, and you also didn’t have a lot of privacy, which worked for that specific relationship. It sounds like your new partner prefers more privacy and independence, which may be new for you, but is no way inherently worrying or concerning.

Independence and intimacy are not mutually exclusive – indeed, many people feel that having independence and privacy and being able to maintain a sense of themselves outside of the relationship is what allows them to relax and want to be intimate with their partners. It is also very early in your relationship to expect full access to your new man’s complete social circle and daily schedule. Intimacy and closeness and trust must be earned, so don’t compare the intimacy of a years-long marriage to a brand new relationship.

Right now, focus less on the amount of time you spend together or the amount of access you have to his phone and bathroom habits and instead consider how you feel when you are together. Do you feel emotionally close to him? Do you feel respected and appreciated? Have you discussed monogamy and intimacy and do you both have a shared vision for your relationship? These will tell you more about his emotional availability than his desire for some independent hobbies.