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How to... talk about exam disappointment

Don’t deny the person their feelings, let them lead you in your response

When helping a teenager through exam disappointment, ‘let them lead your response,’ says one expert. Photograph: iStock

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Joanne Hunt
Sat Aug 28 2021 - 06:00

What if my teen is disappointed by their exam results?
It happens every year. This too shall pass, but just don't tell them that straight away.

So what do I say?
If someone is unhappy with their results, it's about listening before talking, says Fidelma Healy, family therapist and chief executive of the Clanwilliam Institute. "Be alert and respond to what they need – whether it's space, to be comforted, or to talk. Let them lead your response. Be there to listen to what they have to say. Be patient. Sometimes you are waiting for them to calm down if they are very emotional."

You'll be grand…
Don't deny them their feelings. "Don't trivialise what's happened or try to minimise it by saying, 'It's not a big deal, sure it's only the Leaving Cert,'," says Healy. "We all know it's not the be all and end all of life, but at that moment in time, it's a very big disappointment for them." Let them have their feelings.

Don’t be disingenuous either. “Usually they know what you were expecting,” says Healy. If you say ‘It’s great’, and they know you don’t think it is. A false affirmation can be as bad as conveying your disappointment.

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I told you so…
Of course, if they hadn't spent so much time on their phone, it would be a different story, but telling them all the reasons they didn't do well is not helpful either, says Healy. Bite your tongue. Asking how Mary up the town got on, or comparisons to siblings and cousins isn't helpful either.

What if they're keeping schtum?
If they are saying nothing, but you know all is not well, bide your time. "Some people just don't want to talk, they are not ready to talk; they need time to process it. You might know they are disappointed, but if you push them into talking, it can be too much. You could ask them how they feel about their results, but if it's obvious they are disappointed, then don't ask the question." Be patient and wait.

Strategy mode
If your child is still emotional, it's not the time to jump into strategy mode. "Of course there is an answer. There are so many different routes into careers now, there are always options. We jump into solution mode as parents, but very often the child needs to be ready for that," says Healy. It can be too early. Be patient. "It might be that you have to wait a day or two for the moment to say, 'I've been thinking, have you been thinking? Will we have a chat about that? What are your thoughts?'"

Don't lecture
Hold off on talking about "learnings" for a bit too. "Let them cry it out for a day. It's not yet the time to give the lecture about how you learn from your disappointments. Let them get the emotion out first before jumping in with the lessons," she says.

But you did great!
Even if they got the grades they had wanted, the points system means high achievers in particular can sometimes dwell on the five points more that someone else got. "It will usually pass when they realise, 'I'm doing the course I wanted' or 'I'm going to the college I wanted,'," says Healy. "It's about reframing things in a gentle way – 'I hear you saying you didn't get X points, but you got your chosen course' and focus on that." Point out the genuine positive – "your results got you where you need to go. That's the important thing at the end of the day."