‘My partner keeps asking for an open relationship’

Question

My question is about open relationships. My partner of four years and I have a good life together, we’ve bought a house and are considering marriage as we would like to have children and we are both in our late 30s. I think our life is very good and my family and his like each other and are very supportive. Also, we both like our work and can see progression and development there.

We should be deliriously happy but we are not.

My partner keeps asking for an open relationship, and by this he means he wants to invite another person (woman) into our sex lives. He says we are boring and, as consenting adults, we can expand our sex life into something more exciting. I know I should be more adventurous but although I feel I should want this, I am reluctant. I struggled to allow my partner to see my body and now there will be another woman to compare it with and, even though I don’t say this out loud, I’m very anxious he will prefer her.

I have had fantasies of threesomes, but I really think I would be too anxious to enjoy this in reality, but I don’t want to restrict my life either. I know my partner likes watching threesome porn and I’ve always said this is fine with me but I don’t feel any desire watching it with him and, if anything, these are the times I fake it. I really love him and maybe I could tolerate him having sex with someone else when I am not there.

This feels like a pivotal point in our relationship and I’m afraid of losing the one person I could consider spending my life with.

Answer

As a starting point, having fear as the main factor running a relationship is not good – being in a couple is supposed to challenge us to get beyond our own self-centred needs. Obviously, love and a sense that your partner has your back, no matter what, is what you would like as the baseline but you are questioning whether this is the case.

If you cannot trust your partner to commit to you unless you fit his sexual stereotype or fantasy, then you might need to question the future you are planning together. Couples do need to challenge each other and pushing your other half to get beyond their limitations is part of a safe and enduring relationship, but this comes only when the base is solid.

Your partner wants to expand your sexual repertoire but he is totally starting from his own position and not considering where you are. Sex should be about pleasure and this is what should drive our choices and decisions, but it appears you are being driven by performance and the feeling you should be more adventurous.

There is a new shame around sex, that if we enjoy “vanilla” (very ordinary) sex it is a cause for embarrassment. We live in a culture in which porn is very influential and promotes a very performance-oriented view of sex. However, sexual desire, particularly for women, is multifaceted and this needs to be understood and treasured.

Anxiety will affect your desire, and your sense of enjoyment should only be driven by what you find pleasurable. Mystery and risk can be part of that spectrum of pleasure but you are distinctly saying you are not there at this time in your life. This brings you to the question of whether you can be yourself in this relationship and if you can speak honestly and feel really heard and respected.

If you find that once you have spoken truthfully about this to your partner, there is a basis for continuing the relationship, then you might suggest to your partner that you both read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, as it might assist a conversation about female desire and pleasure. Reading something such as this together is an intimate thing to do and you might find that this brings you closer together and helps trust to grow.

However, if you do not get a response from your partner that tells you that you are being loved unconditionally, then you might need to subject this relationship to hard scrutiny.

Polyamorous relationships can work, but they require a very particular disposition so that there is no jealousy, comparison or pairing-off. Such relationships must be for the benefit of everyone involved and entail a high level of trust, vulnerability and feeling of safety. What this current situation might highlight for you is the need to tackle any body insecurity or comparison issues you have yourself so that you make good and healthy choices in your life. This personal work would be for your own benefit and only to allow you to feel bigger and better about your own self and life and not to mould yourself into something your partner desires.

Invest in yourself and then your sexual choices will reflect only what is pleasurable for you – this is the essence of consent.