Question
My husband used to be a loving, kind, caring man and we were very open with each other about everything. But in the last number of years he has started to be emotionally distant and judgmental about my friends. He got very keen on exercise and weight loss, and keeps his phone with him at all times (eg if he happens to leave the room without it, he comes back and takes it away with him immediately and even brings it into the loo). He also turns it off completely when charging, etc.
I’m sure it is because he’s afraid I might see something on it. This was making me feel a bit suspicious for a while.
I then discovered, by accident, that while he was on a golfing holiday with male pals, a woman he knows from work years ago was in the same location (whether by accident or design, I don’t know). He did not tell me about it until he came back from holidays and downplayed it a lot when I mentioned it. He was very sheepish and I know when he is not being honest after 30-plus years together.
I let it sit for a while but brought it up again weeks later, asking whether he knew she would be there and whether he met her. He denied he knew anything before he went and never said if they met up or not. He can be away for work overnight sometimes and it’s near where they are both originally from.
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However, what made me more worried recently was that he accused me of seeing someone, when I am not. He never said who he thought it was (as there is no one anyway) and I found it all very weird. He made a big deal about it and how he would be so devastated if I left and how much I meant to him. This all happened a few months after I asked him about the other woman. He has also become obsessed with asking me where I am going and who I am meeting – even work-related colleagues. Does he think I am going to approach this woman?
I have been reading that accusing the other partner of an affair can be a sign of guilt/that he is having one himself. Would this be the case? He has been recently making a bigger effort to be supportive of me and more helpful around the place generally, however this may mean he did have an affair that may be over and he’s afraid I’ll find out.
Should I hire an investigator to see what’s going on?
Answer
Your relationship is in trouble and you need to take some action.
Your husband is making an effort, but both of you are full of suspicion and fear that the other is deceiving them and secretly subverting the relationship. If you want to know what is going on, you might first try asking, but of course this has to be done in a very safe manner so that the truth will not explode the relationship.
You could start by saying you think the relationship is in a rocky place and you both need help. Perhaps the pattern in the relationship has been to cover up difficult issues (we do this for a quiet life) and if so, you may have lost the knack for engaging with each other in a way where each person feels heard and understood.
[ ‘My long-time friend implied to my spouse that I was having an affair’Opens in new window ]
Your letter suggests you are not ready to give up on this relationship but you are bewildered by the changes in your husband and don’t know how to have a real and honest conversation. It sounds as though your husband went through some kind of struggle and with a period of dissatisfaction (being judgemental, concerned about his body shape, etc). He may, or may not, have had an affair. Whatever happened, it seems he now sees he is trying to retrieve his earlier life. What is missing is he did not share his unhappiness with you and if he did have an affair, he kept it secret. In either case, if you are to stay together, the situation cannot go on.
The hurt, rejection and betrayal you are feeling is very real, but this is going unheard and no amount of pretending, or playing at happy families, will sort this out. If this relationship is worth fighting for, then it will require vulnerability and risk. For all these reasons, couples therapy may be your best option as it can provide a structure for difficult conversations, in which both sides are heard with the safeguard of a professional who will manage the boundaries and the emotions.
For both of you, the risk is if you do open up, the other person might leave you. But you are already at this point, and you might indeed leave each other, but you and he deserve to be heard first.
What you have learned is that a pretend relationship is not really worth having and you owe it to yourself to be in a relationship where openness and difficult conversations are supported and tolerated. You are at a moment now when you can demand change: spearheading it yourself by saying you even considered hiring a private detective but instead you think that jointly going to couples therapy will give this relationship the help it needs. If your partner refuses, you won’t need a private detective to tell you that he is not invested and then you might be looking for help in ending the marriage.
Couples therapy (for accredited couple therapists, see familytherapyireland.com) takes time and commitment and it is usually not a quick fix but it offers the chance both of gaining understanding and of challenging patterns that have been destructive. It will require courage from both of you and a strong sense that this relationship is worth fighting for. The myth that accusing the other partner of an affair can be a sign of guilt that they are having one themselves is one that needs to be treated with a huge dose of scepticism – many things might be going on including insecurity, fear and self-loathing.
A different response is required depending on the cause of the accusation so it is worthwhile putting effort into understanding first.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
