Dear Roe,
My husband and I have been together for nine years and have two children. The past 18 months we have been sniping at each other and getting into more fights over small stuff, and we’re not sure why. We love each other and aren’t breaking up, but want to get back to a loving place. Where do we start?
The famous relationship researchers of the Gottman Institute talk about the idea of “sentiment override”, which is the baseline emotional climate of a relationship that shapes how you interpret your partner’s behaviour.
When you’re in a positive sentiment override, you’re grateful for them, notice the small efforts they make, give them the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake, and assume good intentions. If you are in negative sentiment override, you’re likely to get annoyed at small things, overlook their efforts, interpret their behaviour in a negative light, and start creating all-or-nothing, character-defining, black-or-white narratives: “He never pays attention”, or “I’m the only one who ever does X”, or “They did that small thing because they’re a selfish person.”
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Stress, anxiety and a lack of connection can fuel this kind of thinking. But you do have the power to change this. Both agree to pay attention to every small effort you make for each other, and to make more effort to show each other small kindnesses. Intentionally plan for small moments of connection where you thank each other, compliment each other, revisit some happy memories, or try to create some new ones.
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When a problem arises, instead of seeing each other as enemies, say “This is a problem, how do we tackle it together?” If there are underlying issues or big unresolved hurts, you might need more support from a couples counsellor, but if it’s just that life stress has worn you both down, you can focus on rebuilding connection, trust and making that emotional climate feel a bit sunnier. Good luck.
