Question
My 14-year-old daughter had become a bit moody the last few months and I was wondering what was going on for her. She exploded over something small and said she had a falling out with a friend. It took a while but she eventually told me what happened. One friend had become jealous of her spending time with another and then revealed she “had feelings for her”. I think she kissed my daughter and she did not know how to react.
Now my daughter wonders if she is gay and feels confused. I told her I was glad she told me and she seemed relieved that she had got all these feelings off her chest. I, of course, told her I loved her no matter what her sexuality was and she gave me a big hug. She hasn’t spoken to me about it since and I think there is still tension in the friendship group, with the friend putting pressure on her to see her alone, etc.
Also, as I think about what happened I have become a little uneasy. I am a little worried about the other girl’s pressure on my daughter. There has been some difficulties with this girl in the friendship group in the past (pitting girls against each other). Also, my daughter has had a protected upbringing and is quite naive. She has only spent time in the company of girls (in her school and the GAA) and has not much exposure to boys. I would hate for her to feel pressured by the other girl’s intentions when she has had little chance to work out her own sexuality and what she wants for herself. Also, at 14, she is very young and I would prefer for her to focus on friendships rather than romantic relationships – this is what I would hope for her if she was interested in boys or girls.
Should I raise this with her at all? I don’t want to interfere.
READ MORE
Answer
First of all, it is good that your daughter was able to tell you about what happened and the different feelings she had about the experience. Many teenagers have to deal with working out these relationships challenges alone – so having a parent listen supportively is a great help. It is also great that you gave your daughter the message that you love her no matter what her sexuality is – this is a very important message to give your children. So many LGBQT+ children grow up worried that their parents will reject them if they reveal their identity and many internalise negative messages about their sexuality. Stating clearly your love and acceptance gives your daughter some freedom to discover her sexuality and identity without judgment.
The second part of your question relates to whether your daughter is being pressured by the other girl and this is something worth considering. As a loving, protective parent you of course don’t want your daughter to feel pressured to do or be anything she is not. Also, by the other girl revealing feelings for your daughter, this does have the potential to disrupt the dynamics of the friendship group, whether your daughter reciprocates the feelings or not. It is good to be there as a supportive parent can help your daughter navigate these changes.
I would suggest you look for an opportunity to reopen the conversation with your daughter. You can do this by picking a good time when she is likely to be relaxed and open and also be there to respond and listen when she looks upset or comes to you about something. You can be indirect and gently inquire about how things are going in the friendship group and for news about what the different girls are up to. If she does not raise things herself, you can directly inquire ‘Remember we were chatting about your confusing feelings about N, I was wondering about how you are feeling now?’ Take time to listen and draw her out
You can also raise your concerns about her being pressured say that you want her to make her own decisions and not to do anything she does not want to – remind her that she can assert herself to the other girl and say she wants to remain friends in the group (if that is what she wants). By having an open discussion and supporting her agency and decision-making, this will help her feel more empowered and safe. You can also share your values about relationships, saying how you think it best to focus on friendships at a young age – ‘I would not like you to get tied down in a relationship when you are only 14’. Ask her what she thinks and be prepared for the fact she might have the opposite view.
As with all young teenagers, having this discussion as a debate is often the best way to positively influence them and to make sure that the channels of communication remain open between you.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. He is running a course on parenting teenagers, which begins on April 14th. See solutiontalk.ie
