Question
I have two boys aged eight and 10. The eldest has a diagnosis of autism and anxiety. He is academically bright and, with supports, he is doing well in school.
The difficulty I have is in how he treats his younger brother.
When he comes home from school he can be stressed and in a bad mood and he can take it out on brother. His brother might approach him to play something and he will then fly off the handle and scream at him saying awful things, like he hates him. When I intervene and try to stop the screaming, my son can be unrepentant and things can escalate further. He does not accept responsibility and he says his younger brother is always annoying him (I don’t see any evidence of this).
I know he is autistic and that his meltdowns are anxiety related but I worry about the impact on his brother – I think he is becoming scared of his sibling.
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How should I handle it?
Answer
Autistic children often experience higher levels of stress and anxiety, especially at school. Many children arrive home after a day of demands in a difficult mood and this can be flashpoint for conflict and meltdowns. In thinking how to help your son, it can useful to build a relaxing routine for him after school that allows him to decompress and unwind. This might mean reducing demands on him and giving him space. Maybe his social battery is depleted and he is not able to talk or engage socially.
He might need food or sensory time alone or doing a favourite activity so he can recover before he can talk about his day and so on. What works varies from child to child so tune into your son to notice what works for him and what helps reduce his stress and bad moods.
[ ‘I believe my nephew may have ADHD or autism, but his parents won’t discuss it’Opens in new window ]
Managing during a conflict
It is unfortunate that sometimes your son’s stress spills over into a negative exchange with his younger brother. When the younger boy approaches him to play, he might experience this as an extra social demand and if he already has had a stressful day, this could overwhelm him and trigger a negative reaction. To protect the younger brother, the key is to get in early to try to de-escalate the conflict. You might say something like “let’s take a break now” or “let’s pause and separate for a minute”.
It is important not to take a side in the dispute and to not blame the older boy for what is happening as this could just escalate the conflict. Instead you might talk to them later separately to help them both understand how to cope.
Supporting the younger brother
Listen to his perspective about what is happening. Acknowledge his feelings, especially if he feels hurt – “I am sorry that your brother spoke to you like that – that was not fair”. Importantly, explain how his brother might be feeling – “I don’t think he means to hurt you. You know he can be very stressed in school. On those days he needs a bit of space. He needs some time alone before he can play with you. When you see him in a bad mood, come over to me and I will help you.” Validate the positives in their relationship: “You know your brother loves you. He really likes when you play together at the weekend.”
Supporting the older brother
Similarly take time to talk to his older brother about what is happening. Make sure to first validate his perspective: “I know you are stressed when you come in school and it is hard to cope when your brother pressures you to play.”
Take time to also explain his brother’s positive intentions: “You know he looks up to you and always wants to play with you – he can be very enthusiastic, though I know it can be intense sometimes.” Then explain how his brother might be feeling and explore solutions. “I know you don’t mean it but sometimes he gets hurt when you shout at him ... Sometimes he can be actually be scared of you. What do you think? What other ways could you tell him you need some space? When is a better time to play with him?”
[ ‘My 12-year-old son needs constant dopamine hits and keeps having meltdowns’Opens in new window ]
Talking to the two boys together
To reduce the conflict between the two boys, the key thing is to help them compassionately understand each other and to discover better ways to get along. As well as talking to them individually, it might also be useful to talk to them together to explore solutions. For example, you might have a family discussion about what is the best routine for everyone after school? Or, more directly, you could discuss “How can we reduce conflict in the house?” When you have these discussions the important thing is to listen equally to everyone and to support the boys in sorting out the challenges together.
Be mindful about supporting the two boys’ positive relationship with each other. Facilitate and support any times they get on well together. For example, you might support them going to a favourite sport together or set them up with a household chore whereby they get a special reward when they help one another.
You could also explore “What are nice things we could do together as a family at the weekend?” and so on.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running workshops, Positive Parenting when Separated, on February 24th, 2026. See solutiontalk.ie
