Question
I am a stay-at-home mother with two preschoolers, three and four. They are two fantastic kids and, of course, it is busy and exhausting, but I love it and very happy to be at home with them.
The problem is I am completely addicted to my phone. When the kids are at preschool in the mornings, I might plan to get some something done and then I get distracted with checking news or Instagram and, before I know it, a couple of hours have flown by and it is time to collect them. Every bit of downtime I have now I find myself resorting to scrolling social media, rather than doing something I might really enjoy. I end up feeling frustrated a lot of the time.
My husband is just as bad when he comes in from work. Sometimes, in the evening we end up scrolling in the same room for hours – we joke that we are both “complete addicts”. However, I do worry about the impact on both of us. I am also a little embarrassed about having this problem.
Answer
You are not alone. Technology, screens and social media have invaded our homes and captured our attention. Everyone is struggling to cope. And before you start blaming yourself it is important to realise that screens are designed to be addictive. The tech engineers have designed systems to “hook you in”, whether it is appealing to your social interests, triggering your annoyance and outrage or tailoring entertainment that attracts. The engineered short-term dopamine hit that social media provides is hard to resist. Meaningful activities such as reading a book or talking to family struggle to compete with the stimulating world of short videos and interactive content.
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As a result, many people end up spending huge amounts of time on trivia and gossip, which does not align with their values nor their life priorities. Many people describe the cycle of being stressed/needing a break, then wasting time scrolling, leading to feeling dissatisfied and frustrated. Feeling worse, you are more likely seek the comfort of social media and the cycle continues.
Changing the cycle
In trying to change the cycle and to make your tech use more in line with your values (rather than servicing the needs of online advertisers), the first thing you can do is not blame yourself and understand what is going on. Then you can decide that you want to make some positive changes. It is great that you and your husband are aware of the challenge and able to talk to each other about it. If you decide together to support one another to make changes you are much more likely to be successful.
Not all technology is equal
Remember not all tech is of equal value in your life. Some will serve you and some will distract you from your priorities. Identify the screen time that feels useful and that which feels wasteful in your life. For example, you might value your family WhatsApp but not the many special interest groups you belong to. Or you might get a lot out of certain podcasts or music lists (and you might be able to listen to these while you do productive work in the home). Or watching a TV series with your husband might be a good way to stay connected in the evening, as opposed to scrolling social media separately.
Set some boundaries
- A few simple boundaries could make tech more manageable. For example you could:
- Delete distracting apps from your phone and turn off notifications on most of them, except those that are important such as family or messages from your child’s preschool.
- Keep your phone in a different location to you in the home (such as the hall table) and only check on it every hour.
- Set aside a fixed time in the day to catch up on news/ social media, which might be 30 minutes in the evening or morning.
- Agree “phone free times” with your husband, such as no phones at meal time or for the first hour when he comes in, or during play time with the kids at the weekend.
Some people use their partners to help limit phone use. For example, using the password protected child settings they set a 30-minute daily limit on social media that only can be changed by their partner. Such boundaries can help as you start creating new habits.
Build alternatives to phone use
Try to build new habits to replace your constant phone use. For example, if you have a moment of downtime or need a mood changer, get in the habit of turning on music or the radio, getting a drink of water or going out in the garden for a minute. You might keep a book or magazine nearby that you can pick up to read for 10 minutes. It can help to make a list of short relaxing things you can do that don’t involve your phone, so these come to mind first when you have a moment.
To remove temptation consider moving some of your daily activities from the phone. You could use a physical alarm clock, a notebook for journaling or making notes, and a paper diary instead of a digital calendar.
Taking a pause
When breaking a ingrained habit, the key is to notice when you are triggered to act. Take a pause when you feel tempted to lift your phone. Take a slow breath and think, do I really need my phone now? What else is more important for me to do now?
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See his schedule of online parenting courses starting on September 25th. See solutiontalk.ie
