What’s more memorable, the times you stayed silent at work or when you spoke up? Did you ever pass on a big project? Fail to ask for a promotion or a pay rise? Have you missed a deadline or forgotten to make a phone call in time? Or did you bottle it and walk by someone who could have helped you in your career?
Avoidance is one of the signs of self-sabotage but there are so many unconscious behaviours and thoughts that can lead to an unfulfilled professional life.
Consider this: how much time and energy do you spend beating yourself up instead of lifting yourself up? Imagine what kind of work life you could have if you stopped being a perfectionist, feeling like an impostor, people pleasing and comparing yourself negatively to everyone else.
Irish psychologist Maureen Gaffney, a prolific author, has written extensively about personal development, including self-sabotage. She says individuals can undermine their own success due to unconscious but deep-seated beliefs about themselves or negative patterns of behaviour.
Gaffney explains that self-sabotage is often linked to a lack of self-awareness or a disconnect between a person’s desires and their actions. People may unintentionally sabotage themselves because of low self-esteem, fear of failure or even fear of success. Understanding the underlying causes of self-sabotage is key to overcoming it, she says.
The key to freeing yourself from this prison of your own making is self-reflection, developing healthier habits and cultivating a mindset that supports personal growth.
When we become more mindful of our thoughts and behaviours – as they’re happening – we can start to learn and challenge the limiting beliefs that hold us back, says Gaffney.
Invest in yourself
Many of us spend hours each day looking after other people’s needs. We invest our time, energy and attention in work, projects, family and friends. But how often do we truly invest in ourselves or in being mindful or still?
Most of us don’t feel guilty if we head to the gym, get our hair done, play golf, go shopping, have a nice meal or attend a sports match. We do these things for enjoyment or to relax so it’s normal to engage in them.
Yet activities that require self-reflection or time alone seem to be harder to reconcile: meditation, yoga, silent walks, therapy, massage, creativity, crafting, trips to a museum, coaching, mentoring, further education or degrees.
Why is it so difficult to invest in ourselves and our personal or professional development instead of in the needs of others? Do we fear hearing the backhanded compliment, “you know how to be good to yourself”, or the changes we’ll need to make once we allow our inner voice to be heard?
Many years ago, an executive coach asked me one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been asked: “What are your dreams?” I quickly rattled off a list of things I wanted to accomplish by year end. She gently stopped me and said: “Those are goals. You’re a goal-oriented person and you will no doubt reach and exceed those by your deadline.”
I was perplexed. What is a dream versus a goal?
Apparently, a dream is something you’d like to do if there were no barriers or restrictions, if you had all the money you needed, could speak every language, could live anywhere, do anything and had no commitments to anyone or anything.
My brain hurt thinking about it and it took me six months to work through it all. What did I want for me? I had no idea. I’d been running so fast and for so long that I could only zero in on my responsibilities and commitments.
Then the penny dropped. For 20 years, I had been subsuming my needs for the needs of others. This isn’t unusual for parents or carers or workaholics. Nobody asked me to do this; I did it to myself. I was responsible for my limiting beliefs and therefore my own unhappiness and unfulfilled life.
It seems so mad now. Who was I – who is anyone – to think they’re not worthy of success or happiness? I’d sabotaged my own life.
Since then, I have retrained professionally, removed destructive people from my life and try to live by a few simple rules suggested by career coaches and psychologists. My life is so much richer for it too.
Act for happiness
We need to be proactive about professional and personal happiness, or self-sabotage and lethargy can set in. Personal developmental tasks are a mix of your own emerging desires, social expectations and an evolving understanding of life and of yourself, says Gaffney.
Look within. If you want to be happier, examine your mindset first. Recognise and challenge negative self-talk. When you’re engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours and thoughts, try to stop them in their tracks by writing them down and then crumple them up and throw them in the bin.
Journaling and meditation can also help identify negative triggers such as certain people, places or situations.
Take positive action. To stay focused on what you’re good at, keep a running list of your achievements and write down any positive feedback you received to remind yourself of your capabilities. This list can also help you be more confident when you have your annual review.
Day to day, focus on small, consistent achievements rather than overwhelming yourself with large goals.
Try reframing. Look at imperfection or failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. Shift your focus from being enslaved by perfection to being freed by progress, and break big tasks into manageable steps to build confidence. Good enough and on time is better than perfect and late.
Break things into chunks. To avoid being overwhelmed by your “to do” list, set clear, specific and achievable goals. Break long-term strategic goals – such as getting that promotion or taking a few months off – into smaller, actionable tasks and regularly assess your progress to stay motivated. This can really help with procrastination too.
Make yourself accountable. Share goals with a mentor, supervisor, internal champion or trusted colleague who can help hold you accountable and provide guidance.
Seek professional help. In cases where deeper issues such as impostor syndrome or trauma or abuse are involved, speaking to a therapist or counsellor is a good idea.
Stand up, speak up
After trying self-reflection and personal development activities, you might realise that your feelings of being “less than” might not be coming from you after all. Colleagues or clients who undermine you or make negative comments can leave you demotivated and undervalued.
Michelle Gleeson, a business lecturer at UCC, interviewed women in accountancy about their perceptions and experience in the accountancy world. This industry is a diversity superstar as women and men have been entering the profession in almost equal numbers for three decades. However, Gleeson found that some women, regardless of their seniority, were more often asked to make the tea, set up meetings or take notes in a meeting.
“What may appear as small requests or tasks are really reinforcing the undervaluation and lesser recognition of women,” says Dr Gleeson. This downplaying of personal achievements can have a direct negative impact on an individual’s career progression.
“Organisations should take action to empower women to value their own successes and achievements and to showcase and seek recognition for these achievements and successes, which could be done through training and professional development.”
Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie
