Subscriber OnlyHealth

‘I worry I don’t last long enough in bed. I don’t feel like a complete man’

Ask Roe: It’s sad that men judge their self-worth on unrealistic standards

Photograph: iStock

Roe McDermott's face
Roe McDermott
Sun May 26 2019 - 06:00

Dear Roe,

When I'm having sex with my wife, I release after five to seven minutes. I know it hurts her feelings. I have been thinking about this, that I'm not complete man. Sometimes when my friends are talking about having sex for 30 minutes, I don't say anything because I'm not happy with my performance only lasting for five minutes. I need advice, what can I do to increase this?

Your friends are lying. At the very least they are inaccurately reporting or you are inaccurately interpreting their reports. Either way, you are not under-performing by any measure, and more importantly, no time-stamp on ejaculation is indicative of your manliness or worth.

As I've written previously, during penetrative sex most men, on average, last between three and eight minutes before ejaculating. Which means that what you're experiencing is the absolute norm; and what your friends are describing is either a statistical phenomenon – in that all of the men who defy average penetration times have somehow magically come together in your friend group like a Viagra-inflicted swarm – or it's just not accurate.

READ MORE

If we want to be generous and assume your friends are not deliberately lying, what might be getting lost in translation is the different interpretations of what constitutes sex. Many people use the word “sex” specifically to refer to penetrative sex, while others use it as more of an umbrella term to cover all sexual activities. So when your friends describe their 30-minute sexual adventures, they may be saying that all sexual activities, including foreplay, oral sex, mutual masturbation etc, cumulatively last for 30 minutes.

But what is deeply unlikely is that they are all just having penetrative sex for 30 minutes, thrusting away without a break

Or they may have penetrative sex for a few minutes without ejaculating, pause to enjoy some non-penetrative sexual activities, return to penetrative sex, and extend their penetrative sexual performance that way – which is all fine and lovely and I hope they and their partners are enjoying themselves.

But what is deeply unlikely is that they are all just having penetrative sex for 30 minutes, thrusting away without a break. Statistically and biologically, it’s not likely. Not impossible – particularly if they’re either in their early 20s and stamina is high, or much older and it’s actually harder to ejaculate – but unlikely.

Unlikely and – especially if their partners are women – not automatically the ideal, either. As I have written many times before, and will continue writing until it becomes indelibly etched into the social consciousness, up to 80 per cent of women will never orgasm from penetrative sex alone; and other sexual activities that involve clitoral stimulation are much more likely to result in orgasm.

Now, an orgasm (or several) isn’t the sole reason to have sex, and many sexual activities that don’t result in an orgasm are still very pleasurable – but it’s worth noting how your friends are congratulating themselves not for necessarily pleasing their partner, but for simply reaching a time-stamp.

Having penetrative sex for 30 minutes with a partner who is getting little pleasure from the experience does not make you a “better” sex partner than someone who doesn’t last as long, or enjoys other sexual activities, but drives their partner to the point of ecstasy. Also, having penetrative sex where you’re so mentally and physically focused on not ejaculating that you don’t allow yourself to relax and enjoy sex doesn’t sound fun.

This is important, because it’s sad that you – and a lot of other men – are judging your self-worth and masculinity on standards that are unrealistic and deeply at odds with what pleasurable sex is actually about. Sexual prowess is not about lasting an arbitrary length of time. It’s about experiencing and enjoying mutual, enthusiastic, communicative pleasure with your partner. And because people enjoy different things, sexual pleasure will never look identical from individual to individual.

To claim that one, time-based standard for one very specific form of sex is the gold standard is to ignore the wonderfully varied reality of sex, the different varieties of pleasure within sex, the specificity of sex with each individual partner and their unique desires. It’s a limiting and damaging view of sexuality and masculinity, which rewards men not for communicating with their partner and appreciating the reality of their own pleasure, but for competing with other men for bragging rights over something that isn’t really brag-worthy. It’s a way of objectifying sexual experience by completely erasing your partner from the equation.

It concerns me that your wife may be fuelling this limiting and damaging rhetoric too, and I’m curious when you say you “know” it affects her if she has criticised your sexual performance, or if you are projecting your insecurities on to her and making assumptions. Either way, it might help you to have a conversation so that you both can correct these damaging pressures and misconceptions around sex and masculinity and how they are affecting you, and that you can feel more supported.

Then, use that conversation to share what you both find pleasurable about sex. Expand your idea of sex so you include the myriad of sexual activities beyond penetrative sex, and focus on how to make the time you spend having sex as fun, connected and as pleasurable as possible.

And if you feel like doing the world a favour, you could also open up this conversation with your friends, and start noticing and highlighting all the ways they are perpetuating their views of masculinity and sex. I guarantee you’re not the only one in the group being affected by these views, but you could be the one to change them.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe

Magazine