Why are they still there?

Busy auld summer for English Premiership clubs on the transfer market but what really flabbergasted us was the list of players not flogged by their clubs and who, remarkably, live to fight another season with the cross-Channel big boys, as we rarely call them.

And then there are the players who should have known better and baled out of their lowly circumstances (see one, H. Kewell, Yorkshire). So, welcome to `why are they still there?':

Arsenal: Gilles Grimandi. Granted, he only appears when four fifths of the squad have been struck down by a mystery virus (i.e. on the eve of a League Cup match) but the appearance of his name in the first draft of Arsenal's squad list left us puzzled, nay, bemused. Gives lie to the theory that all French midfielders are God-like.

Aston Villa: Gareth Southgate. Imagine dramatically declaring you're available for transfer bang in the middle of Euro 2000, when the ears of every European club are listening, and then, come the start of the season, you've still to receive a single offer. If you're not careful Gareth you'll end up at . . .

Bradford City: Benito Carbone. Most bizarre transfer of the summer? Indisputably. Equally bizarre? That he's still there, after all these weeks. We fear, nay, know, it won't last.

Charlton Athletic: Mark Kinsella. We're actually very pleased that Kinsella stayed with Charlton and helped them back into the Premiership but quite how or why they managed to keep him after their relegation two seasons ago and quite how or why a larger club didn't attempt to acquire his services is beyond us. Honest as the day is long, as they do say, and a man we'd like in the trenches with us, should we ever happen to find ourselves therein.

Chelsea: Frank Leboeuf. After his most recent whinge (Luca didn't stand up for me after I left stud marks on the chest of an opponent) we suspect Frankie won't be at the Bridge much longer - and such are his excrement-stirring talents his departure won't be a minute too soon.

Coventry City: Their supporters. Robbie-less, Gary McAllister-less, Noel Whelan-less - turn up with your boots at Highfield Road in the next week or two and you might even get a game. Pity the Hero-less City fans, if you've any heart.

Derby Co: Craig Burley. Has looked bored out of his skull since John Barnes packed him off to Pride Park - get thee back to Celtic and give Marto's Revolution a hand.

Everton: Paul Gascoigne. Yes, they only signed him a few weeks back but sometimes a joke loses its funniness when you drag it out too long. Walter? Get rid. Yes, you got him for nothing, but in our books that was still too much.

Ipswich Town: Manuel Thetis. "He's French, he's hard, he's got another yellow card, Manuel, Manuel," Ipswich fans can oft be heard singing at Portman Road. Two years ago he picked up 13 yellow cards (including a superb five-in-a-row) and one red in the early part of the season, before missing most of the rest of it through suspension. If Division One refs didn't like him much how do you think their Premiership colleagues will take to him? Exactly.

Leeds Utd: Alan Smith. Are we alone in believing he is not a budding Jimmy Greavesie? We are? Okay, for fear he ends up as the top scorer in the Premiership this season we'll say no more.

Leicester City: Neil Lennon. See Derby - get thee to Celtic and make yourself a legend. Now.

Liverpool: Robbie Fowler. Tragic to see the most naturally gifted English-born striker of his generation floundering in the footballing backwater that is Anfield.

Manchester City: Jamie Pollock. Makes Carlton Palmer look like Zinedine Zidane, in a footballing sense - his career was effectively over when they banned the tackle from behind.

Manchester Utd: Jesper Blomqvist. Only ever plays well against Southampton at The Dell, and that's on the rare occasion he's not injured. Separated at birth from Jesper Olsen who was only marginally less infuriating to United fans back in the last century.

Middlesbrough: Phil Stamp. Larger, slower and very nearly as big a nut as Gascoigne.

Newcastle Utd: Warren Barton. Quite how Warren has survived up north this long we're not sure, especially after revealing that he uses Clinique moisturiser on his face because the cold north-east wind plays havoc with his skin. Revelations of that nature make not a Geordie legend. SOUTHAMPTON: Glenn Hoddle. Surprised the English FA didn't have him back after the summer that was in it - but give them time.

Sunderland: Nicky Summmerbee. Peter Reid came tantalisingly close to persuading the only winger in the history of the game yet to successfully cross a ball into the box to join Bradford, but it fell through.

Tottenham: Ruel Fox. Like Norwich City, for whom he once played, Ruel used to be half-decent. Like Norwich City, for whom he once played, Ruel isn't any more.

West Ham: Rio Ferdinand. Started believing his own publicity last season and played more like the old Neil Ruddock than the new Bobby Moore. He may get a grip and come again, but 'arry Redknapp should probably have bitten 'avid O'Leary's hand off and taken that £8 million.