Ray stubbs out the classic stuff

With the French at the penultimate stage in the World Cup, both RTE and the Beeb laid it on heavy with the classic imagery and haunting music. So much so, in fact, that you half expected to learn that Robert Redford was behind the production, with Denzil Washington playing Desailly and Bruce Willis as Barthez.

Happily, Ray Stubbs unceremoniously booted affairs back towards earth, shamelessly capitalising on the potential revolving around French defender Petit. "His contribution was in no way SMALL," he chuckled, before informing us that, as a player, he "gives LITTLE away". Men have been moved to violence for less.

BBC dispatched Gary Lineker and Mark Lawrenson to the higher echelons of the stadium to watch the match, so high in fact that they could have viewed affairs from the Alps. Things started out brightly, with the lads enveloped by a fading sun and Gary airing his views about strikers, grinning conspiratorially at the cameras to remind us that he, too, had been a striker.

Gary seems like a decent old skin but his grinned remembrances of exploits past become slightly irksome. Onto the match, and suddenly the haunting music seemed appropriate. Twenty minutes in and it became evident that most of the neutrals in the stadium would gladly have swapped their tickets for a weekend pass to the over40s Christmas five-a-side hurling bash in Ballyjamesduff (a much bigger crowd puller than you'd think).

With grim tackling and grimmer big toes the staple fare, the commentators contented themselves with stats and the peripherals. "It was 0-0 in Euro `96 between these teams, I wonder if that's an omen," offered Motty, hoping to hex the players into delivering five goals in as many minutes. No joy.

"And the chant of Onri-Onri goes up," noted George as Henry made his way on field. By halftime, the pundits were positively despondent. "You wouldnae rule i oouuu," warned Ally McCoist on the possibility of the Croats persuading the French to throw the game out of pure boredom.

Back on the Alps, Gary and Lawro looked like men who had just partaken in Gaybo's Survival Challenge. "It's freezing up here," snapped Gary resentfully as Lawro attempted a grin through frozen lips. "Yeah, we are rooted to the spot here but that's because of hypothermia."

He had thrown on a brown jacket which splendidly matched the tip of his microphone (those wardrobe people think of everything). The fact wasn't lost on Mr Smooth. "I think that's the first time I've seen Lawrenson in a jacket and I don't think it's his own, incidentally," Des chuckled, clearly delighted that he wasn't up there where the air was pure, if a little icy.

Second half and as we settled in for more Croatian torture, they decided to come out and do their best Dutch impression for the crowd, Asanovic playing a sweet through ball for Suker to slide past a flapping Bruce Willis.

When Thuram equalised seconds later, Gary and Lawro must have been thoroughly warmed by the steam rising from the crowd. Before the game, Johnny Giles, observed that Thuram loved to tackle. "I think he dreams about that at night time," he said, meriting a hearty cackle from Bill.

Inevitably, the French defender decided to sample life up front and gained the currency for sweeter dreams. "That's a beauty," ejaculated Jim Beglin as Thuram sent a second screaming home. "Ye-arney was at fault, George," he then continued in more sober fashion.

As the game wore slowly on towards the final that everyone seems to want, the tension understandably grew. In what was possibly the cruellest footnote of the World Cup, Blanc was forced to walk (for a crime he didn't commit . . starring Harrison Ford).

Minutes later, Jarni caught the business end of a French elbow. "I think he might have opened a wound there," said Jim fearfully, as the Croatian defender manfully brushed away a steady stream of blood.

Smiles and romance were restored with the final whistle. Researchers in the Beeb and RTE scurried off to dust down some vinyl to befit the occasion. Martin O'Neill temporarily abandoned his terrieresque pose and seemed happy enough to let Ally stumble over `Lizarazu'. Bill whisked through the talking points and gave his most polished grin as he introduced the lads from Apres Match.

Big Jack made a welcome appearance. "The Germans," he boomed when asked for his prediction. "They're not out, the Germans are neva out," he then declared to a harrassed Frank Stapleton. Beside him, Eamon Dunphy sipped a wine and pursed his lips and pondered it all. "A fool's mouth is his destruction and his lips the snare of his soul," he said. "Exactly, that's why the German's are neva beat," smirked Jack. Hell, it was just like old times.